Never settle for the path of least resistance

I'm down to my last paper, which is the employment paper and well am kinda looking forward to it in a good way, I just want to sit for it, ace that paper and move one step closer to what I've set out to accomplish. I sound really positive, don't I?

But just yesterday, the 'me' whom everybody knows just wasn't herself. I was defeated or rather I felt defeated and I felt I've wasted my parents' time and I haven't been doing what I can, that is to excel. My own laziness almost caused me a huge price to pay. Why was I feeling that depressed? Well, it all boils down to this paper called EC Law paper which I had to take as a mandatory requirement. I didn't put any effort into trying to learn what EC Law is about until it's too late for my own good, which is during the christmas break. I went back home for about a month or so and during the first week I actually sat down and studied EC Law and remarkably I understood what the big fat green textbook more commonly known as craig and de burca was saying and I was actually interested in the subject but due to the flu I've caught, I kind of stopped at chapter 2 of that big fat daunting green book and because time was passing by so quickly and because tommorow ALWAYS come and my first paper was the one subject I enjoyed quite a fair bit and was also the paper which I want to get my 2:1 for that, I kissed EC goodbye and wave a warm hello to this other purplish blackish textbook better known as hanbury and completely abandoned EC.

Was planning to cover EC within 2 days after my first paper for its due 2 days after the first, bad planning, terribly bad. I fell terribly tired and sick on the first day thus didn't accomplish much save for touching the bit on free movement of goods and the second day I got up at 6am and from the moment my eyelids defied gravity and the moment I wake up, I started studying like a mad woman from 6am to 1am, taking 1 hr break for lunch and 15mins for dinner and perhaps 45 mins running around my tiny little room to stretch abit. You see the golden rule about revising is, you have to REVISE not START LEARNING and the thing about leaving things to last minute is you usually screw them up and yesterday was the worst day of my life.

You see the thing about me is I am usually very lazy when it comes to studying and I've always maintained that attitude towards my academic all the way till one year after my O levels, for some strange reason I actually pulled my socks up and was somehow enlightened by how much potential I have in me to accomplish what I want, the only condition is if only I TRY. So yes, back to yesterday, yesterday I was cramming perhaps 6 weeks of EC stuff into my head and because I gotten so tired by the time the clock strikes 9pm, which is actually my bedtime, I started tearing. Yes, I felt as though I am going to fail this paper because I simply cannot remember what I've covered, I looked at past year papers at least 10 times and started crying and I said to myself, I am not going to make it this time. I then questioned myself why didn't I take the advice of this lecturer of mine back in some institution in Singapore, why don't I just go to some lousy university and 'be the star of the faculty' (yes in his own words) and graduate with a first class degree, why do I even think I can excel in a top 10 law school in UK? WHY? WHY? WHY? I hated myself for making that decision and that was at 9.10pm, this is actually not something new, I've said this a million times to some other friends when I complain how bad EC is and blah blah but I forgotten how enjoyable I found it a read when I went back and sat down, put aside the discriminatory feelings I have for that big fat textbook and just sat there sipping a cup of tea, enjoying the read and I forgotten the reasons why I chose to put the 4 top law school choices on my ucase (ok let me be honest, I did include 2 average universities as safety nets), because the Livia then believe in herself, because people who love me and knows me the best believe in me and I told myself then, life's all about trying so I applied and received the said offers, one of which is the institution which I am currently in. I made the choice to enter a good law school because I believe I can, because I have the potential, because I dream, because I have such dear wishes I want to carry out, because if I have to go to some lousy law school and excel in that, there will then be no pride or self-worth value for myself. There will then be nothing to feel proud of. I wanted challenges and here it is staring right at me. I gave myself 2 tight slaps and I continued the battle and I must tell you, from that point onwards, I somehow, quite strangely understood what I've studied so far and remembered what I've covered back home. I thought about my parents, my father and my mother, the more I think about them, the more resentment I have, when you compare both my parents and myself, they put me to shame, my father for one, is a very determined and strong person, he has a strong conviction in whatever he believes in and he will never give up till the result or outcome is finite, he for one is one such man who will fight till his very last breath and my mum on the other hand is one who is never afraid to try anything new, never afraid to fall down and pick herself up and learn whatever she was trying to learn all over again (ok this is a little like my dad too, no wonder they are so compatible) and me? I am just one spoilt brat who just crumbles when everything seems too much for me to take. (Ok although I've sat for my EC paper and the outcome of it is still unknown, I am still pretty happy that I gotten my act altogether and fought till the very end, its like they always say, its the journey that matters)

The mere thought of falling short of two very important people's expectations, well not really expectations but convictions in me just made me terribly upset and I know that if they've heard all that rubbish I've said, they will be disappointed in me so I told myself, do not disappoint people whom you love and hold so dearly to your heart, you are just not making things work for you, please concentrate and please fight till the very end, only then will you not be sorry. A good scolding I gave myself sent me back in the arms of that big fat daunting green textbook and well it now seems to me that in life, you can only set out to be the best and you will be the best if you believe in yourself, if you always take the route that's well-travelled by all others, you'll be like everyone but you are not everyone, you enjoy being irreplaceable, not interchangeable, you have to 'never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance, living might mean taking chances but they are worth taking' and this is what I've finally understood and will live with for the rest of my life. I hope the rest of you who once fell in the arms of despair will find this encouraging, nothing's impossible, not trying means everything's impossible. I guess its true that we all have our moments of desperation, helplessness and mixture bag of emotions of nothing but negative emotions but hey you know what, heck those, face them head on and fight bravely, it is then when you discover your own strength (something I heard somewhere but cannot remember where) and oh 'give faith a fighting chance' and good luck everyone in whatever you all do.

Dear friends and people who are reading my blog,

My site's still on hiatus, I am writing just to make an appeal to you all to make a generous donation to the victims who were struck by the tidal waves that hit asia, the regions which many call their home. Every little bit counts, we all can make a difference, many times we feel sympathy and pity for people who have been hit by natural disasters but don't just feel sorry, do something. Provide some assistance to them and make a difference, at the very least, you know you have helped someone who needs assistance badly and together we can create miracles, be the pillar of strength for these people, let them know someone out there on this blue planet actually cares for them. I think the best gift now which we can all give is money, nothing else really matters, please donate generously, pool some money together with your friends and family, make donations to the Singapore Red Cross Society or American Red Cross Society, Oxfam etc today. Do your bit. I know I have contributed, what about you?