Hello women, god made us the way we are for a reason.

I think in today's modern society, women are trying too hard to succeed in a men's world but hello! Who said it must be a men's world? The world belongs to everybody, too long have we been trying to prove to our male bosses that we are as capable as the men, as efficient as the men and we deserve the equivalent treatment and pay like what our male counterparts are getting but my point is what for?

Men are sometimes unforgiving judgmental idiots who labels women as weak, disabled and incompetent before or without even giving them a chance to try it, come on men we deserve more credit than that, surely god created us for a reason other than soothing your ego. And my dear female counterparts, god made us the way we are for a reason, we don't have to try so hard to succeed in a men's world.

No doubt we have our differences in terms of physical built and strength, we still don't have to succeed in their world, do things their way to show we can and we have the potential to do so, we can do things our own way and achieve the same results and still be a winner who saves the day so what is this stupid damn thing about playing the game by men's rules, nobody can define how to play a corporate game or what have you and I mean nobody. So please don't belittle yourself and insult your fellow women folks by doing things men's way or try so hard to succeed in men's world.

P.S: Not all men thinks the same way as those mentioned above and there are always exceptions, there are some decent men who respect women and these men are just so adorable aye?Men who are offended by my post or guilty of the above i.e judgmental fools, get out!

For fame?

A boy I know asked me if I blog because I want to be famous. I was puzzled and troubled when he posed that question to me. I may have started a blog because I like to share my writing bits with friends or people who enjoy my style of writing, I may have continued blogging because I derives satisfaction knowing how my writing bits motivates some people and it actually entertains people. But for fame? That is just so off.

I cannot comprehend why he actually asked that since he is some sort of buddy and he should know what I am like, to blog for fame? How is that remotely possible? I mean yes, some people write because they want to be famous or for attention, but me? Well I may want recognition for my works but being recognised and being famous is two different things. I never dreamed about being famous or wanted to be famous, I just write because I like to and I like to share bits and pieces of the moments in my life with people because they may just entertain people and somehow I hope my writing bits motivates people and bring some optimism to people's lives, showing them how their lives can be too a better one by looking at it from a better and different angle but definitely not to be famous.

Forgive me if I sound pompous but quite honestly, I don't blog to be famous or for attention, believe it or not, I can't handle attention, too much attention sometimes make me uncomfortable and it makes everything seemed so contrived. Yes, some years later, I would love to write for a living that is when I accumulated enough wisdom to write and entertain people, yes sometime soon, I would love to publish a book about one man's courage and strength and that man is my Father, yes sometime soon I would love to do some freelance writing to earn some of my travelling expenses, anything else but not for fame.

I just realised he removed me from his friendster list of friends and I guess that means we are friends no more. Must be my cold turkey treatment, but can you blame me? Well I think not, that is just someone who ain't worthy of my friendship. I wouldn't want to put you all through the trouble of reading what happened, you guys just need to know I gave the cold turkey treatment, deleted his numbers from my mobile, deleted him from my icq and msn messenger and soon he got the message and deleted me from his friendster, possibly msn messenger and icq.

In a way, this depicts the cruel and harsh fact that friends do come and go and yes I mean DO. Someone whom you may be sharing a nice ice cream sundae at some cafe today may be your 'friend no more' tommorow. Sometimes people leave and they stay that way and you remain forgotten. I think the best way of dealing with such situations is to forget that person too, there is not really a point to get all upset and spend some time pondering and wondering what actually happened or what caused it. Sometimes no reasons are needed to end a friendship. There is really no cause for concern, if someone can just take you off their list of friends without finding out what exactly is going on.

What you can perhaps and want to do now is to treasure your friendship today, remember not to take the person for granted, treasure every moment you guys shared and make the best out of the period of time when you guys are still friends, this will prevent you from having any cause for regrets in future, no 'if only' or 'how I could have done things differently' kind of issues, just sweet memories packed in a box, opened occasionally to remember and relive those moments, to relive that experience. I do that sometimes to remember people who have once been my friend and what hell lots of fun we once shared when we were friends and that made my life so much simpler, no cause for complications and so many more reasons to be happier...

Food for thoughts?

I guess I worried a little too much the day before. I guess this is what happens when you compare and contrast, you lose sight of who you are and the many wonderful things you can do and accomplish. Somehow the grass is never greener just of different shades that's all, this is what I've come to understand. Someone once said that to me and I guess I brushed away that too quickly and forgotten all about it. It's a simple phrase really, but it speaks volume.

I guess comparing and contrasting are healthy once in awhile to pump the adrenalin, to get you going, to motivate you, but it's not everything. One should not let it consume him/herself completely, moderation is the key. So glad I've figured things out. Sometimes all I need is time to reflect and remember who I am and what I have done and what I can accomplish. Oh well we all get silly moments where our minds are clouded. :)

I have just seen the most wonderful place today and I would like to share it with all of you. Castles can be built in the air afterall. Imagine the impossible, create your own world and enjoy it. One day, just one day, I'll be there, experiencing the greatness of seeing this fantastic castle with my very own eyes. Chicken Soup for the Soul perhaps?

Schloss Neuschwanstein, Germany


Now all credits are given to the following website:
http://www.ringlord.com/people/walrus/neuschwanstein/#ImageGallery

A boy I know of is quitting Yale Law School, yeap you've got it right, it's Yale, one of the most prestigious and top leading law schools in the States. So what exactly is he going to do then? Volunteer work. Yes, this friend of mine is giving up his law degree for his passion, passion to help people, passion to make a difference in people's life, not just his, of course he will eventually feel the difference in his anyway.

His decision shocked his parents and close family friends, everyone thinks he is making the biggest mistake in his life, but is he? He's a very bright and intelligent boy who happens to not only ace all his papers but excels in whatever he's set out to do and his lecturers and peers all think he's insane or probably had too good a life to throw away anyway. He's making a very tough decision in his life and there is no one there to walk him through this supposedly rough patch he chose.

I admire him for staying true to his passions and dreams, how many of us can actually do that? Living your dreams and passions is a whole lot of hardwork and this is perhaps the reason why most people don't live up to theirs anyway. When the whole world is questioning your decisions, your judgement, your ideas and your sanity, you need tons of courage, faith and hope to pull everything off. I don't, in my opinion, think that he's wasting his life away, I think helping people, making people's day and making a difference to people's lives is what he really wants to do, that is his definition of a fulfilling life not some life which he spend endless hours behind that neat, sleek desk. Look at all those starlets or stars in Hollywood or Bollywood, some made it as superstars and some didn't but who is to say those who didn't failed in life? They have for once, truly lived and that is sufficient. Who is to say my friend here's going to waste his life and become the biggest joke and failure in this modern contemporary world? I don't really know what is failure anyway, in the truest sense, it doesn't mean you failed because you don't measure up to what society demands from you.

It's not easy sometimes to make such tough choices and a decision may not be wrong just because everyone else don't understand, you are not everyone else, you are you, master of your own fate and you decide what your life journey should be and if living your dreams and passions is what you set out to do, that is your fate. People have been telling him that his life could be alot better, but that's all beside the point isn't it? His life is already tres tres bien, grand in its own way. For what can be measured to the greatness of such kind acts that comes from the heart, for what can be compared to the smile you've brought to someone who's never probably had a home or family? I never seemed to understand people, they can sometimes find great difficulty dealing with people's success and on the other hand have a hard time handling people's loftiest ambitions, not to mention great great difficulty dealing with people who cannot quite make it up on the social level (ok sidenote). But to each his own, everyone has their own dreams and passions to live and ultimately the only question that really matter is "What if I don't try?" and not "What if I am making the biggest mistake in my life?"

You go guy! Go for it! Don't grow old with regrets!

I suppose I am a hard nut to crack when it comes to friendships these days, the only certainty about friendships is nothing's for certain. I felt terribly let down by the recent turn of events, all the backstabbing saucy stuff, it's not like I have high expectations of my friends or something but whenever someone betrays my trust I see that as a let down of their potential and failure on my part of judgment.

Of course, different categories of friends require different levels of expectations, but at the very basic level, all I expect from someone is sincerity. Sometimes I wished for a little more, which is a simple straightforward theory that goes "Hang around me if you feel comfortable, if not the door's always there for you" but these days who shows their likes and dislikes openly? As much as you hate to be involved in politics, you are just involved somehow one way or the other, you patronize people with the regular "Oh Hi! How have you been" (passionately) even when that someone annoys you. Let's not include the superficial friends known as acquaintances because quite frankly all of us patronize these group of people half the time, let's just narrow down the discussion to friends, people who have the potential of becoming your good friend.

I am but a straighforward person, if I dislike someone I'll just make it known to that person, either by declaring it or through showing it (sometimes it takes awhile to show though). If someone's worth my attention, I will probably go tell him/her what exactly's about him/her I dislike or annoys me, alternatively I'll walk away from this so called 'friend' eventually or though I am not too sure if this is the right thing to do. The very last thing I will do is to go around gossiping about this person whom I dislike, for what does that make me of a person anyway? Sometimes people don't realise I don't exactly need them around, I don't need all that hypocrisy, if you don't like me just go, why put up a false front and go around pretending you are my friend, you like me half the time? Why be aggressive and passive at the same time?
I don't need such company. There's nothing I can do to anyone if they choose not to be my friend, so what is it that these people cannot see anyway, it's not like they get a million dollars for sticking around with me anyway.

I would very much appreciate if someone were to come forward and tell me what exactly is so irritable about me rather than going around spreading rumours or gossips about me. These people are just total let downs, I shan't waste my night dwelling on this.

P.S: I wrote this partly because I need to channel my negative emotions somewhere and partly to send the message across to the people reading my blog, who I believe are mostly my friends, it's never too late to tell me or confess whatever you said about me, I will respect and be thankful for your honesty and I promise no hard feelings.

I remembered how happy I was when people gave me a chance to fill in the position of Chief Editor for the society and I promised myself to contribute whatever I can. This is my committment. Then I was given the duties of webmaster reason being I have a blog and the blog shows my efficiency in web-building, but this is not true, for all web-bloggers you will know what I mean but still I accepted the job, treated it as a challenge and an opportunity to learn something new, it was a challenge back then.

Today I was introduced as Chief Editor and Webmaster of the society, I felt proud with the former being mentioned but somewhat awkward when the latter position was mentioned. I would have felt equally proud if I had been able to carry out my duties, I planned to do up the website during this space of free time but things always don't go the way we plan, do they? I cannot use yahoo page builder due to the advertisements popping out every now and then but that's ok, he said he will teach me how to do up the thing or provide me with frontpage software to solve this issue. After a few failed attempts to reach him, I wrote an email to get him to give me a clear indication with regards to the website issue, I really wanted to know if he is still going to teach me or not, if he is not, then I will want to do the website using yahoo page builder and if that's not allowed I will then not want to assume this responsibility, how can I go around telling people I am also the webmaster when I've not done anything to deserve such title? I am not attributing blame or trying to push someone else to do the job, I am merely stuck in the middle, seeking for clarity.

I hate leaving jobs undone, especially when it affects people not just myself. Responsibility is but a simple word, explained by oxford dictionary as duty resulting from your work or position, it is a liability and it is a duty, people who don't know their responsibilities deserves no respect from anyone, nor are they fit to tell people what to do. Without responsibility, people's commitment to the results of their work will diminish, responsibility builds trust, good relationship between teamplayers and irresponsibility not only cause inconvenience to others but diminish your credibility, to succeed in life is to be accountable for what you have done and what you have not done. To be irresponsible is bad enough, to create excuses or to simply shift the blame to somewhere else makes you lesser of a person, failure to take on responsibility in early stages of your life will only help you in your future career as a irresponsible parent and /or as a slacker. Somehow it's not a hard concept to understand.

I remembered how happy I was when people gave me a chance to fill in the position of Chief Editor for the society and I promised myself to contribute whatever I can. This is my committment. Then I was given the duties of webmaster reason being I have a blog and the blog shows my efficiency in web-building, but this is not true, for all web-bloggers you will know what I mean but still I accepted the job, treated it as a challenge and an opportunity to learn something new, it was a challenge back then.

Today I was introduced as Chief Editor and Webmaster of the society, I felt proud with the former being mentioned but somewhat awkward when the latter position was mentioned. I would have felt equally proud if I had been able to carry out my duties, I planned to do up the website during this space of free time but things always don't go the way we plan, do they? I cannot use yahoo page builder due to the advertisements popping out every now and then but that's ok, he said he will teach me how to do up the thing or provide me with frontpage software to solve this issue. After a few failed attempts to reach him, I wrote an email to get him to give me a clear indication with regards to the website issue, I really wanted to know if he is still going to teach me or not, if he is not, then I will want to do the website using yahoo page builder and if that's not allowed I will then not want to assume this responsibility, how can I go around telling people I am also the webmaster when I've not done anything to deserve such title? I am not attributing blame or trying to push someone else to do the job, I am merely stuck in the middle, seeking for clarity. I hate leaving jobs undone, especially when it affects people not just myself.

Responsibility is but a simple word, explained by oxford dictionary as duty resulting from your work or position, it is a liability and it is a duty, people who don't know their responsibilities deserves no respect from anyone, nor are they fit to tell people what to do. Without responsibility, people's commitment to the results of their work will diminish, responsibility builds trust, good relationship between teamplayers and irresponsibility not only cause inconvenience to others but diminish your credibility, to succeed in life is to be accountable for what you have done and what you have not done. To be irresponsible is bad enough, to create excuses or to simply shift the blame to somewhere else makes you lesser of a person, failure to take on responsibility in early stages of your life will only help you in your future career as a irresponsible parent and /or as a slacker. Somehow it's not a hard concept to understand.

I named him Brave-Be. The name should tell you he's brave but it is not that I admire, it is his will to survive, the willingness to learn how to survive and that is something that's worth admiration or commendation. He's my Dad's pet, one of the four lobsters he kept.

I didn't really paid much attention to Brave-Be till one day I found one of his claws ripped and he on the other hand was busy defending or ducking away from Bully, one other lobster among the four which is slightly bigger. At first, Brave-Be lost only one of his bigger claws, few days later he lost all of his remaining hind legs and Bully didn't stop bugging Brave-Be, my first reaction to this was rather instinctual, I wanted to help this poor fella. I placed my hand in to separate Brave-Be from Bully and Brave-Be just ducked away, the same way he ducked away from Bully, so plan A didn't work and I went on to plan B. Plan B was to put Brave-Be at the other side of the tank camouflaged with all the rocks and shells in the tank, but Brave-Be did not stay there for long, the minute I placed it there and was about to take my hand out, it moved away.

And I figured the best way of helping him was perhaps to let him figure things out on his own. So I spent the new few days observing Brave-Be. That little fella was hell of a erm lobster, instead of hiding or retreating, he just sleeps in the open (with no stones, no shells, nothing) and whenever Bully starts poking at him, he tries to fight back and when he can't he just retreats to somewhere where Bully cannot squeeze through because of his sheer size as compared with Brave-Be.

Despite him being small and perhaps a little lost and confused, he never succumbed to Bully, he learned how to survive on his own and with every new thing he does on his own just makes him stronger and more useful, guess nature always has its plan. Every fight he put up against Bully was in fact of much courage and bravery and in my opinion he has done pretty well, even much better than me offering my help. Sometimes the best way for one to survive is to figure how things work in life on their own.

Brave-Be made me realised he's no different from any living creature, he's like one of us too, learning how to survive, facing another day on his own, day by day, night by night. It is of course easy to take the easy way out, to be rescued, to be guided, to be taught but sometimes it is really through the bumpy ride one has to take in his/her life, the moments which one feels scared, lost or confused that really teach one how to go on living, how to, survive. Although Brave-Be didn't really make it (he died) but the story of this little lobster brings clarity and which is why his death's not tragic but hopeful.

To be nobody but yourself,

in a world which is doing its best, night and day,

to make you everybody else,

means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight;

and never stop fighting.



E.E. Cummings

I believe at one time or another each of us was told something, by somebody, somewhere. I had my hair cut recently and my friends who seen me with that either through the photograph or in person just complimented me. It's a bob and I once kept that hairstyle quite some time ago but some friend of mine said it looks ugly and I never went back to being a bobbit (haha ok whatever).

But this time I clearly just want my hair cut to a bob (not because I wanted to look ugly or what), because I desire a change, somehow. I know of a friend who rebonded her hair because everyone said she looked fabulous with straight hair and trust me ever since then she never went back to curly. I then know of a guy who started wearing bermudas because his friends said he looked cute in them instead of the good o jeans and since then he never looked back at jeans, not even one glance.

Then somehow my friend's new boyfriend said he liked girls with natural curls because they look so pretty and she went back to curly, everyone just said she looked great and not dead as before. And then the guy stopped wearing bermudas because he started his first job after graduation and fridays are normally the 'let your hair down' day where you don't need to wear formal office wear just casual jeans with a chic shirt's good enough. His colleagues said he looked so so so charming, yes so so so charming and he just grinned ( and called me and informed me I was right all this while, DUHZ!) and wears jeans more than his berms these days.

I guess everyone at certain point of their lives were told of one thing or another, something they aren't or can't do and they just listen more than what they should or even think about what was said. We might be receiving a million compliments or positive things but somehow it's always the negative things that we hold very dearly to (don't know why). But I personally felt that at some point, we should really ask ourselves if those comments or ideas we have received and are holding on to are indeed true or fits our view perfectly like a missing puzzle.

All that should be based on experience, time, growth and perspective and that's I guess the beauty of growing. It makes you more aware of who you are and what are your thoughts and what makes you happy. Happiness is derived from the ability of being able to decide for yourself and not let social stigma or others' perceptions or opinions affect you. Comments, opinions or perceptions are all subjective and attributed mainly to the environment, experience of one goodself which might be again different from yours.

It's like arts, they are all subjective and nobody, really nobody have a right to decide if a piece of work is really good or not, there shouldn't be a fail for arts, I sometimes doubt how art teachers manage to allocate marks based on their subjectivity (no arts's not objective) and perceptions. I would say the answer to the questions posed with regards to the truthful comments or opinions put acrossed to you by somebody's often a 'no'.

And Winston Churchill ( I cannot remember if it's him, but should be) once said the formula for failure's to try please everyone and since people will comment anyway why don't you just let loose and do whatever you want and whatever that you really think makes you a happier person? This will not only give you freedom but really sense of power because you decide what you want and not someone who is busy keeping up with what people want from you. Really I honestly think so

I'm sorry for the long absence (mugging for exams!!), catch me in a few days time.

It doesn't matter if you cry
Cry if your day's been bad
Cry if you're feeling sad
Cry if you must
It's not your fault that things turn up bad
no, not always even if it is you are entitled to cry
Question is when are you going to stop crying?

P.S. Don't cry to stage a production and soil my poem

I remember crying a few years ago to get people to recognise my pain and suffering. I was in fact suffering from what you called cramps and headache but no one practically paid much attention to me. Because there was another girl suffering from cramps and she was crying (I wasn't crying at that point yet).

Even when the message 'I'm in pain' was registered on my face, no one practically bothered about me, they were all busy attending to the other girl who was crying. It was then I decided I should cry to get some attention and let people know I need medication too and so I cried. The effect? People started running towards me and checking on me, giving me the same, pampered treatment as the other girl who was crying. And yes I was sent to the hospital eventually.

That particular night, I tossed and turned around, feeling angry and perturbed by what I've learnt that very day, cry to seek attention. I then remembered this particular incident, which my mum taught me how not to look at others' actions superficially. It was at the crematorium at Mount Vernon, where my maternal grandmother was cremated. The usual procedure before cremation was for the families to say a little prayer before bidding the person goodbye. The whole family together with some friends walked my grandmother to her final step before the body's swallowed in the ball of raging flame. Almost everyone cried when gran was cremated, but not my mum.

"Mum why didn't you cry?"

"Why should I?"

"Because you are sad and that's why you should cry, are you not sad since you didn't cry?"

"People do cry when they are sad, but not all, some people cry because they have to in order to create an impression, these tears are what we call crocodile tears. Sadness is not only recognized in the tears of those who shed them, sometimes people can be very quiet and not shed a tear and still be sad, or the ones feeling the most terrible inside out"

"Are you sad then mum?" (What a stupid question to ask!)

"Yes I am..."

I took my mum's words seriously and started observing people when they cry. I always asked myself the same old set of questions "Why are these people crying? Is she really sad and that's why she's crying?" and I came to realised the profound knowledge encapsulated in my mum's wise teachings.

People do cry to get attention, people do cry to create an impression that they care when they don't, people cry to show others they are the victims when at times they are not and so much more reasons why people cry.

Generally they fall under 3 categories, those who cry because they are genuinely upset, those who cry because they need to put on a good show and last but not least, those who cry to seek attention (Which one do you belong to? In case you are wondering, I don't basically ask myself those questions anymore, I know now how to differentiate and distinguish. Tears are not the only sign that one's sad or in pain and many failed to see that. I once know of a manipulative girl who used tears as her weapon against guys and her own kind. She basically cry to get things done her way, to make people see things the way she do, to make people think she's the only victim and no one else matters and I really hate her for being so fake but many don't see it my way and some even think I'm jealous of her. Please don't scare the bejesus out of me, I never wanted to be her so why would I be jealous anyway when I've never even once envied her. Rubbish.

Why is it then that only pain and suffering is only recognised in those who shed them? Why do people take things at face value and so superficially then? This is probably something which I'll never understand and not wish to know any o how. But please people, next time open your eyes wider, learn how to distinguish and tell when one's really sad and react appropriately, please do not ignore people just because they are not crying, please do not over react to those who cry and let them manipulate you in one way or the other or even form good impression of those who cry, crocodile tears don't exists for no reason or rhyme. If you choose to ignore my advice, good luck to you, you'll need them, tons of them in fact.

I feel like a child all over again. It's strange and I don't even know why. Suddenly, the beauty of life just fills me inside out, I can feel the surge of excitement and weirdest thing is I haven't the slightest idea why.I don't know why I did it but last night I checked my cupboard to see if there's the scary boogy man. I chuckled and giggled upon finding none not like I'm expecting any though...eew..scary..It's so strange and funny, I'm like travelling on a history roller coaster bringing me back to my younger years where I fear there may be monsters creeping under my bed, hiding in my cupboard and at times I get so afraid I pull my blanket over my head to seek refuge.

Yeap, that's my security blanket that keeps me safe from monsters and boogy man, it seems like as long as I am covered within the perimeters of my blanket, I am generally well protected. Those were the carefree days where you don't basically have to be responsible for all the naughty acts or things you say. I must admit that at times, as much as the process of growing up fulfills one's life with experiences and moments, the stage of being a child is equally fulfilling, in that you basically enjoy the best moments of your life being a child and staying one.

Why do I say that? Haven't you tried retaining a part of yourself that seems so innocent, so real, so pure? Haven't you seen how much people like children because they are truthful and not deceitful, how much trust people place on children on the things they say because children don't lie, they are genuine and expresses their likes and dislikes most openly without engaging in politics. This is something we forget as we grow older, things that make perfect sense to us as a kid no longer make sense as we grow up, we find ourselves being deceitful, passive and aggressive (i.e. loaning notes to people whom we don't like but find it hard to reject), we tend not to show our true emotions and likes and dislikes.

I try so hard at times to hold myself back where I started but at times it's just so difficult. There are times where I've been so fake and do stuff which upsets me terribly as I reflect. There are times where I find myself trap in a situation where I cannot afford to be truthful and that makes me sad at times. Inquisitive is a child's natural gift, asking all the whys about the world or things which he/she never understand is what that makes them never taking things for granted, boastful for there is a lot more to life that they can never learn all about, that is what I understood as a child. I fought so hard to bring back my inquisitive mind I had back then as a child, the free spirit who never fails to ask questions to understand and I'm glad I brought it back. Adults don't ask questions as much as they used to when they were kids, they seemed to know the answer to everything and take almost anything that happen as of right that they should happen and it's not ever surprising why certain things happen, sometimes adults don't ask questions because they fear being ridiculed by their own peers but if you don't ask, you'll never win or walk out of the rat race. Bear this in mind that no question is ever stupid so long as you asked it because you are seeking for an answer to your troubled mind. It is thus important to know why sometimes, you don't just rote whatever you are supposed to learn and don't understand the true mechanics behind what you are learning, or do you? There are just so many reasons why I like being a child, but I shall not dwell on it here, you'll probably unravel the mystery one fine day yourself or when you get to read my official piece of work, that is if you too think the same way as I do.

What has flown away will never return
For it has sought a greener pasture
For it has seen the new ray of light
For it no longer needs your company

What is it then one cannot understand
that one have to cling on to his/her own beliefs
thinking what has flown away will return
when in the first place one gave it up?

To not see the beauty of what lies within your grasp
is nobody's fault but your loss
For it has always been there by your side
until it decided to bid goodbye

To not treasure what you have and pursue something else
is nothing but a foolish act
for when you turn around it slips away..

I've been thinking alot about death recently, ever since I got here. I fear death, honestly. It's not just about me feeling the pain when I go, but the people I leave behind if I should go one fine day. People like my parents who matter a great deal to me and my very close friends, which are few. I am perfectly conscious that any moment may be my last thats why I chase life doubly hard. I make moments count because everyday could be the last opportunity for us to say something, do something.

That is why I always make sure I say everything that's on my mind from telling my parents I love them to telling my friends how much I treasure and appreciate them. I don't waste my time by feeling bitter about past events that hurt me in a way or another, neither do I waste time being petty with trivial matters, I don't basically live in the past but future. I live for the future. I try making every moment meaningful, real. I try entertaining people who I care so as to make them happy. I try not to spend time pondering and wondering the 'if' situations or hoping I can somehow turn back time (although @ times I really hope I could).No, not that the thought of me dropping dead bugs me 24/7, it's not that. I am just being aware of what might happen and being conscious of it leads me to living a more meaningful life. Because sometimes you don't always get a second chance to say things you want to say, do things you want to do, be somebody you want to be. As much as dying is part of of life, so is living and living is really all about being satisfied with what you have done, not what you could have done.

It's not uncommon that I come across as aloof, arrogant, proud, unapproachable, immature, childish. I get these half the time from people who are:a) who are different from me hence the reason why they misunderstand what I am like b) judge me by my appearance & voila ici they know everything about me and basically full stop. c) don't really get the chance to know me as a person and/or know me via rumours (Half of them originate from girls, don't ask me why, this is the girl thing that guys can never understand, this is an inherent find fault factor that exists in girls) d) people who judge me almost so quickly before I can even finish saying "Hi, my name is ..."

I dislike type B & D the most. As much as they like to stereotype me as some bimbo or some brainless cute chic chick (the want you for the day but not for life) etc etc, I label them as shallow ones. You find that I hardly rebutt or refute these claims about me, the reason for not doing that is these people don't matter so why bother? Besides who I really am must have been of no importance that they can conclude so quickly what makes you think by elaborating or illustrating the murky water will turn clear? In any case, it's difficult to refute those stereotyped description of me. I used to practice the concept of 'ignore these people, time will show" But growing up changed my perspective totally, especially in political settings like office, school etc. I realised I cannot wait for time to show who I really am, as much as I like to I can't. And I am preaching it to everyone reading this entry.

When you work, you tend to get yourself tangle in a web of deceit spun by the political spider/s, when you find yourself being misunderstood, don't just sit there quietly hoping that things will turn for the better, for all you know you might be asked to leave the following day. I am not asking you to spin the same web plus more boos boos and traps, no I am not asking you to do that, how different are you from those vicious spiders then? All I am asking is for you to clarify and not sit at your desk subject yourself to such attacks, don't think about 101 things you may have done wrong to trigger this whole event, sometimes spiders don't spin web for a reason. Same goes for school, else you may find yourself the ostracized oddball subject to relentless vicious attacks. 'Sure, it's easy for you to say...' hello dear guy/gal, it's not like I am asking you to attain immortality, this is mission possible not impossible. What does it take to speak out for yourself? Isn't reputation more important than anything else? Isn't your good name worth something? All it takes is guts and guts can be acquired, when you start speaking out for yourself, demanding what's right for yourself, it should be smooth as driving a ferrari from then on baby. Take the first step, go on try it, I promise it will be fulfilling and enriching

I was sitting on the latch yesterday. Yes, again, it has now become my little den where I reflect deeply or place where I sit and consolidate all my random thoughts. But then again, sometimes I just sit there to stare back at the sky the way it was looking at me.

I thought about Isabel last night, her friendship. Her friendship is priceless and I'm so glad that I've met her. We have shared so many precious moments together, be it happy, sad, angry, worried and so on and so forth. It's not the duration that makes me treasure this friendship, it's the effort we both contributed to this friendship that makes this friendship something different from the others. She is the one friend who takes precedence over all others. (sorry not that you guys don't matter!) She is someone whom I really like to grow old to be little old ladies together with, the one whom I would reiterate those 'remember back then' moments together and put on silly big hats and get away for behaving badly in public with when we are both old. We have been through so much together, been there for one another, took turns to role-play aunty agony for one another, encouraged and motivated one another.

Sometimes it's strange to note how much she believed in me because apart from my parents there's no one else that truly believe in me at times. Not that I am not credible but it's just dreams which people chided me for having them (a portion of these people have issues which they cannot resolve within themselves and they actually chided me for having dreams which they dare not even think of, let alone take steps to achieving them). Honesty, is something I admire about our friendship. We never allow each other to wear an ugly top or dress out, if a skirt looks ugly on her, I will just say it's ugly and nothing more nothing less.

That's something you don't often find in friendships between girls. It's controversial I know but you would know what I mean if you were to look at the old pictures of you in those fashion that has gone terribly wrong dresses or tops, and you might remembered the real culprit who induced you in getting them. Get it? We are not only honest with each other in that aspect, we are sometimes terribly honest with each other as to how we feel about certain actions each has done.

We are simply not afraid to say "I'm not very happy with what you have done.." or "I am angry.." kind of stuff. Thankfully, we don't end up having cat fights, we merely discuss, get over the issues and move on. We are the true friends who change and grow with each other and learn through each other's experience, be it bad or good. We are the best friends who can share the most insignificant and best parts of our life (esp me, always repeating myself, telling the same old stories and somehow she's never sick of them or rather listening to me hehe, I'm so blessed!) with the same degree of joy, laughter and openess. We practice nothing negative like jealousy but admiration and envy.

We are the lifesavers that last for lifetime for one another and yes, I mean no expiry dates whatsoever. I was once afraid to define her as my bestest friend for fear that the magic may disappear or that she'll be taken away from me somehow (I don't know how, don't ask me) and I really don't want that to happen. But now, I have no qualms about defining her as my bestest friend. Isabel's indeed my bestest friend and our friendship will continue to grow (grow grow grow! Grow ok?) and evolve as we evolve!