When you and I were babies long time ago, did we ever give up learning how to walk? Did we ever stop grasping the technique to walk like our parents? Sure, we crawled before we walked. We might have stumbled here and there, went all wobbly and fell so many times that our butts were sore but we never stopped trying did we? Yes, we were brave little beings when we entered the world, yes, just by the very fact we never stopped trying and that got us all walking around, progressing eventually to running around.

But are you still the same old you now? Well, probably not, we stopped trying a lot of different things as we grow older. Was it the naivety instilled in us then that kept us trying, was it the same set of ignorance that kept us going? I think so. It seems like as we grow older, we tend to be less courageous, we tend to restrict ourselves to trying new things, we tend to hold back a little because we need to establish what we are doing is normal so as to guarantee ourselves that we won't be laughed at if we attempt this. Of course, some of us are risk takers but like I said, its some, not all. So what is it that stole our courage away? Awareness of society's perceptions of what is normal. Perhaps it is too because, giving up without attempting is sometimes the safest option, at least you didn't try and fail and allow everyone to laugh at you but what happens if you managed to pull it off, irrespective of the consequences, you are a winner by attempting and if you pull yourself together and attempt the walk again, people will somehow never look at you the same way again. They know for a fact that you are one hell of a person, you believe in your convictions, you either give up after trying because you know its impossible, or you continue working on it till you succeed, either way, they would admire you for the strength they lack in, that is to try.

Then again there is this category of people who give up before they even try, because they received feedback from the vast majority that their ideas will never materialise because they said so and trust me half of the population let these people get to them and they give up before even trying. Well these people are certainly weaklings, yes of course, there is a fine line between striving for the impossible and the possible, but who is to say what you are attempting is impossible until you tried that out? Ignore those idiots who tells you, it is impossible because based on their experiences, that can never happen. Well to hell with them, a long time ago, people told Richard Brandson that his dream to launch Virgin Galactic is impossible, did he bother about what was said? No and in fact, he is in the midst of preparing launching Virgin Galactic in the next 5 years. Now how's that?

Criticisms, critcisms and more criticisms are what people have to offer, day and night, all year round, 365 days, 24/7, everyone just knows how to criticise without offering solutions. All they ever know is judge, judge, judge and give more and more of those useless advices, advices and more advices and all those weak people ever do is take in all that is said and stop trying. Somehow these people's calling is just to heed the advice from the supposedly wise majority and give up, they are unexceptional, and did I mention, great followers? This is too what sets entrepreneurs/leaders and employees apart. These people lack the mental fortitude to press on in whatever they believe in and hey when you believe in something, give it at least a shot, that is the least credit you can give to your own ideas and dreams.

Nobody will be there to tell you what gives you great success, you have to work hard towards it and oh yes find it first. Be innovative, creative, be different because that is what sets you apart from the rest of the pack. Nobody can predict what will happen in life and nobody should ever have a right to tell you what you should do with your life or plans you have in life, just who the hell do they think they are?

My ex hallmate, despite being naughty and crazy the way she is, she is unique and she don't really give a damn as to what people think about her. For that I respect her for who she is. She chose to do textiles and designing regardless of what others have told her like how she can make a better living after university if she was to choose a business degree or anything that is in demand but textiles and designing? What can she do with it? Well lots, if you were to ask me, she has the talent in designing clothes, talent in art and basically that is her strength, why is it that everyone don't see that and they try to make them see the world from their perspective rather than trying to see the world from her views? If she has a talent in art and designing, she could jolly well carve a niche and get a hell of a career out of designing, for all you know, she might even be the next Marc Jacobs (the female version though). She exudes differentness, a sort of charm that you don't find in everyone these days. Everyone from long long time ago wanted to be different individuals, they have their own sophiscated thoughts and ideologies, but now? Everyone is just so mainstream, adhering to society's views and the general crowd's ideas and opinions, compromising their convictions to normalcy, giving up when people tells them what they are going to embark on is impossible, giving up without even trying.

Answer, strangely, your very self. Because you allow, what the society perceives as what is normal, get to you and because you never give more credit than you actually are worth to yourself, how can you ever live a life that is fulfilling and belongs to you? Put it simply, you are living a life that is defined by people to be a life, rather than living a life that you define as life and your life that is. How much is the life defined by all others but yourself worth at face value? A grand total of, ZERO, yes repeat after me, ZERO, again let's do it together one last time, ZERO. Somebody please help me understand how not to look down on these people who lack the mental fortitude because seriously I cannot comprehend what kind of life that is. Sometimes I get so sick of seeing people compromising their views just to so call fit in when there is no such "in" for them to fit into. Striving for normalcy is sometimes just dumb, you are who you are and don't try to change the fact that you are different, you cannot just live your life like every dead dictated zombies in this pathetic world. As if a material world is not sad enough, a pathetic world where you are trying to be everyone else is just inexplicable state of hopelessness.

My advice to you all? Never stop trying. Never stop believing in yourself. Live a life not just live. Don't be afraid to be different. Live a life for yourself, not for others. Attempt on what you think is possible and screw everyone else's views, they don't matter anyway. It's hard but you'll enjoy it.

When I was young, I was kind of always hanging out with lots of boys of around my age who lives down the block or in the same block. We do silly things like catching worms, climbing trees all sorts of funny and sometimes dangerous stunts, I enjoyed them anyway.

I remembered playing tug-o-war with a boy when I was 9 years old, he was a neighbour's friend's son. It started out as a friendly match kind of thing, but it turned ugly when I won the one on one tug-o-war against this boy because he pushed me because he lost. I refused to be treated badly and I know for a fact that if I allow him to push me like that, he will continue to bully me. Hence I pushed him harder and made sure he fell to the ground with just one push. That sent him crying and into his mum's arms, whining and moaning about how I bulied him.

Then when I was 15 or 16, back in secondary school, during a confrontational session about some stupid girl problems, which are strangely never found in boys' relationship with one another as friends, someone wanted to stand up for this girl and threatened to wack me if I continue to talk. Instead of shutting my trap, I took one step forward towards that girl till her face and my face were just 6 inches away and I told her "Go ahead". She flung her bag on the table and attempted to hit my face but instead I was the one who managed to slapped her real hard and dodged her attempt. She cried after that, but do i really care? No. Because the concept of life is, you never allow someone to pick on you, not especially in front of a crowd, because the rest of the pack will just all take their turn and have a go at bullying you.

These 2 incidents not just showed me how I must retaliate when treated badly but too taught the two that in life, you can always pick on someone but just remember that someone may not let you get away with it and sometimes, more often than not, they will kick your ass back and shut your trap and keep you where you really belong.

Reflections

This is something new I am attempting to do for my blog, I've decided in order to prevent repeating myself over and over and over again, I decided to keep track of what I post by taking note of what I've been posting and perhaps do a reflections entry every time I feel like it's about time to. So regulars who have been reading my stuff will just probably have to bear with such entries.

Past few months, have been nothing but jam packed with negative emotions, I have been on a palpitating and overwhelming emotional roller coaster ride, some very strange thoughts about life will possess me every now and then and realisation of such shocking, stark naked facts and truth can be sometimes that scary and this feeling is not something one would like to really experience. It has been a dolorous period. I bitched about plastics, I questioned about almost everything, I then continue moaning and moaning about how I feel and finally the long awaited moment has arrived, I am all ready to move on. Moving on are probably the two of the most frequently used words by me, I like to move on and it's like my pet phrase kind of thing. I have had ups and downs, I have been vulnerable, I might have been browbeaten by my thoughts, but hey on the bright side, I have survived them all. You know how it is like with life, sometimes when we are going through some difficulties, no matter how upset or worried we may feel, somehow a part of us know, we will get through this and we always do, don't we? I think moments of desperations and helplessness are somehow very enlightening experiences, only having countered them will you be able to say "hey look, I am proof that everything is possible!" How cool is that? Simply love this concept. At the end of the day, what kept me going are my parents and my positivity, somehow I can manage to make everything seem not so bad. That's perhaps the best gift I've ever had.

So who's google-ing / yahoo-ing you now?

What do you do when you need to look for a long lost friend these days? Well you can either log on to your friendster account and search for that person or just go googling or yahooing that person on the www. Unbelievable? Well folks, I've just been googled & yahooed not once but thrice this year. What on earth? Seriously, I have no idea how people can actually go about googling and yahooing for some people and the best part is they actually manage to find that person through their BLOG! My gawd, what have I exposed myself to man, I mean really, I didn't even include any surname of mine while signing up for this blog and I used pseudonymous name like gwendoliv and strangely type out my full name and there my blog is, the very first link on the search page of yahoo.

No wonder all that warning for people who badmouth their employers in their blogs should becareful as for all they know, one fine day their employers may just chance upon their blogs and give them the sack (Well in the olden days, the relationship between employers and employees are that of master and servants and the servants lived with the employers until they are given the sack to pack up and go when they are dismissed)

It is just not very encouraging sometimes knowing how vulnerable I actually am on the net, how exposed I am actually when I post an entry or create something on the net but then again I chose to expose myself by creating this blog, so well, no complains or whatsoever. It just scares the bejesus out of me sometimes knowing that someone out there on the world wide web is yahoo-ing or googling me but then again I'm not the sole object that orbits around people's world.

Tommorow always come but will everything remain the same tommorow? Things changes, all the time, if there's any more useful thing I've ever learnt is the only one constant in life is changes. We all know life's unpredictable, nothing stays the same but yet we still enjoy taking things, in particular, people for granted. We never know how to treasure people around us until they are gone and when they are gone, we try to make things up but sometimes we all know somethings are very breakable and fragile and once broken, it's as good as destroyed forever.

I think relationships between people are that fragile and that easily breakable. A friendship I have once treasured a lot was gone because I got sick of proving to my friend I was her worthy and true friend who will be there to catch her when she falls, I got sick of waiting for her to see I am worth it. I moved on with my life without her and then voila ici! One fine day, she was enlightened, she seemed to have understood the special bond we once shared was so unique and something she should have learnt how to treasure before I decided to move on, but like I said, I have then moved on, it was all too late, it is difficult sometimes to really mend the broken mirror when there's so many cracks on it or even if there is just one, its bad enough. I know that as much as I enjoyed the times we have once spent together and all the happy memories we have given one another, I know things will never be the same again. I've tried to put all the negative things I felt about her behind me, behind us, but its not possible, for somehow the pain inflicted was then too much for me to bear, it is still now, it's like how I think back and remember those happy times we've once spent doing crazy things, driving each other bananas, all the petty fights and naturally the pain and hurtful choice she made over someone else and how she has once taken me for granted, will all too be remembered. It is hard for her to comprehend why I am not willing to really put myself out there for her again, because she don't know how much she once meant to me and how much hurt I've felt before finally moving on.

I don't think anyone on this planet, in their right frame of mind would appreciate the fact that they have all been taken granted by someone, be it a friend, the special someone, anyone actually. Somehow I think the younger me has always been placed in such situations of allowing people to take me for granted because of my niceties. I used to be always there for people around me and that was stupid. I figured people enjoying treating people as insignificant when they are always there for them and why should I be the fool who's always willing to welcome people into my open arms when they are in need? Hence, I morphed into someone else, I no longer want to be there for people for all times, I don't get anything out of all these, sadly as much as you all like to criticize me for being such a meanie, just ask yourself, will you want to get yourself in a relationship, be it between friends or bgr kind of relationship knowing that you will be the one giving and never receiving? There we go! It's not wrong to be considerate to yourself, for in this world, by being too considerate to others' feelings will do you no good at the very end of the day if that person don't reciprocate, we have to right our own injustice by being considerate to our very selves. People like you and me need to understand, tommorow always comes but no one thing stays the same tommorow, the sun may have been up today but it does not necessarily mean the sun will rise tommorow, someone might be waiting for you today but just tommorow, he/she might have just decided to give up the wait and move on for something worse or better, your friend today might be your foe tommorow, such is life, full of changes. Pity your soul if you lose something the very next day, pity it only when you never treasure it.

I think changes are good sometimes and I really welcome them sometimes despite they might sometimes be too radical for my own good, sometimes I feel almost sad that things have to turn out the way they did and such invokes powerful perplexing and sorrowful thoughts. But then again, this all teaches me how to really cherish every moment of my life and the people around me and sometimes just reminiscing the times we've spent are sometimes good enough, these will be memories stored in my heart, for le coeur, qui est la source de la mémoire (the heart is the source of memories) Will you survive changes? Yes you will, what don't kill you, only makes you stronger.

Never settle for the path of least resistance

I'm down to my last paper, which is the employment paper and well am kinda looking forward to it in a good way, I just want to sit for it, ace that paper and move one step closer to what I've set out to accomplish. I sound really positive, don't I?

But just yesterday, the 'me' whom everybody knows just wasn't herself. I was defeated or rather I felt defeated and I felt I've wasted my parents' time and I haven't been doing what I can, that is to excel. My own laziness almost caused me a huge price to pay. Why was I feeling that depressed? Well, it all boils down to this paper called EC Law paper which I had to take as a mandatory requirement. I didn't put any effort into trying to learn what EC Law is about until it's too late for my own good, which is during the christmas break. I went back home for about a month or so and during the first week I actually sat down and studied EC Law and remarkably I understood what the big fat green textbook more commonly known as craig and de burca was saying and I was actually interested in the subject but due to the flu I've caught, I kind of stopped at chapter 2 of that big fat daunting green book and because time was passing by so quickly and because tommorow ALWAYS come and my first paper was the one subject I enjoyed quite a fair bit and was also the paper which I want to get my 2:1 for that, I kissed EC goodbye and wave a warm hello to this other purplish blackish textbook better known as hanbury and completely abandoned EC.

Was planning to cover EC within 2 days after my first paper for its due 2 days after the first, bad planning, terribly bad. I fell terribly tired and sick on the first day thus didn't accomplish much save for touching the bit on free movement of goods and the second day I got up at 6am and from the moment my eyelids defied gravity and the moment I wake up, I started studying like a mad woman from 6am to 1am, taking 1 hr break for lunch and 15mins for dinner and perhaps 45 mins running around my tiny little room to stretch abit. You see the golden rule about revising is, you have to REVISE not START LEARNING and the thing about leaving things to last minute is you usually screw them up and yesterday was the worst day of my life.

You see the thing about me is I am usually very lazy when it comes to studying and I've always maintained that attitude towards my academic all the way till one year after my O levels, for some strange reason I actually pulled my socks up and was somehow enlightened by how much potential I have in me to accomplish what I want, the only condition is if only I TRY. So yes, back to yesterday, yesterday I was cramming perhaps 6 weeks of EC stuff into my head and because I gotten so tired by the time the clock strikes 9pm, which is actually my bedtime, I started tearing. Yes, I felt as though I am going to fail this paper because I simply cannot remember what I've covered, I looked at past year papers at least 10 times and started crying and I said to myself, I am not going to make it this time. I then questioned myself why didn't I take the advice of this lecturer of mine back in some institution in Singapore, why don't I just go to some lousy university and 'be the star of the faculty' (yes in his own words) and graduate with a first class degree, why do I even think I can excel in a top 10 law school in UK? WHY? WHY? WHY? I hated myself for making that decision and that was at 9.10pm, this is actually not something new, I've said this a million times to some other friends when I complain how bad EC is and blah blah but I forgotten how enjoyable I found it a read when I went back and sat down, put aside the discriminatory feelings I have for that big fat textbook and just sat there sipping a cup of tea, enjoying the read and I forgotten the reasons why I chose to put the 4 top law school choices on my ucase (ok let me be honest, I did include 2 average universities as safety nets), because the Livia then believe in herself, because people who love me and knows me the best believe in me and I told myself then, life's all about trying so I applied and received the said offers, one of which is the institution which I am currently in. I made the choice to enter a good law school because I believe I can, because I have the potential, because I dream, because I have such dear wishes I want to carry out, because if I have to go to some lousy law school and excel in that, there will then be no pride or self-worth value for myself. There will then be nothing to feel proud of. I wanted challenges and here it is staring right at me. I gave myself 2 tight slaps and I continued the battle and I must tell you, from that point onwards, I somehow, quite strangely understood what I've studied so far and remembered what I've covered back home. I thought about my parents, my father and my mother, the more I think about them, the more resentment I have, when you compare both my parents and myself, they put me to shame, my father for one, is a very determined and strong person, he has a strong conviction in whatever he believes in and he will never give up till the result or outcome is finite, he for one is one such man who will fight till his very last breath and my mum on the other hand is one who is never afraid to try anything new, never afraid to fall down and pick herself up and learn whatever she was trying to learn all over again (ok this is a little like my dad too, no wonder they are so compatible) and me? I am just one spoilt brat who just crumbles when everything seems too much for me to take. (Ok although I've sat for my EC paper and the outcome of it is still unknown, I am still pretty happy that I gotten my act altogether and fought till the very end, its like they always say, its the journey that matters)

The mere thought of falling short of two very important people's expectations, well not really expectations but convictions in me just made me terribly upset and I know that if they've heard all that rubbish I've said, they will be disappointed in me so I told myself, do not disappoint people whom you love and hold so dearly to your heart, you are just not making things work for you, please concentrate and please fight till the very end, only then will you not be sorry. A good scolding I gave myself sent me back in the arms of that big fat daunting green textbook and well it now seems to me that in life, you can only set out to be the best and you will be the best if you believe in yourself, if you always take the route that's well-travelled by all others, you'll be like everyone but you are not everyone, you enjoy being irreplaceable, not interchangeable, you have to 'never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance, living might mean taking chances but they are worth taking' and this is what I've finally understood and will live with for the rest of my life. I hope the rest of you who once fell in the arms of despair will find this encouraging, nothing's impossible, not trying means everything's impossible. I guess its true that we all have our moments of desperation, helplessness and mixture bag of emotions of nothing but negative emotions but hey you know what, heck those, face them head on and fight bravely, it is then when you discover your own strength (something I heard somewhere but cannot remember where) and oh 'give faith a fighting chance' and good luck everyone in whatever you all do.

Dear friends and people who are reading my blog,

My site's still on hiatus, I am writing just to make an appeal to you all to make a generous donation to the victims who were struck by the tidal waves that hit asia, the regions which many call their home. Every little bit counts, we all can make a difference, many times we feel sympathy and pity for people who have been hit by natural disasters but don't just feel sorry, do something. Provide some assistance to them and make a difference, at the very least, you know you have helped someone who needs assistance badly and together we can create miracles, be the pillar of strength for these people, let them know someone out there on this blue planet actually cares for them. I think the best gift now which we can all give is money, nothing else really matters, please donate generously, pool some money together with your friends and family, make donations to the Singapore Red Cross Society or American Red Cross Society, Oxfam etc today. Do your bit. I know I have contributed, what about you?

Hi everyone,

here's wishing you all a merry christmas in advance and well I'll be taking a break (once again) from this space till mid-jan when my exams are over. Have a good holiday.

cheers
livvy

Networking - a really good tool

I was just chatting with a friend of mine the other day and we were just talking about the number of job opportunities one can get with his/her 2:1 or 1:1 and somehow we digressed and chat abit more about networking, tool or dirty act?

I think at a certain point of our life, we all feel networking is some kind of underhanded, despicable, morally wrong thing to do, I know I did but not anymore. Stop whining there like a baby crying out loud the words "it's unfair" incessantly, life's never fair, too bad cry baby. Everything you do involves people, knowing how to network (i.e. who to approach to ask for help or even get things done your way) is what makes the world go round. Networking, aka the ability to pull strings is quite actually a privilege, you sometimes gain such privilege or priority in life from the relationships your family members formed with others, you sometimes gain such privilege from the relationships you yourself established with others and technically, there's some effort involved, its just a matter of direct (your own connections) or indirect (through your family members), nothing to go hopping around like a mad rabbit. Life's a bitch but I love living it.

Theme of the month - Plastics

A not so shocking discovery, PLASTICS ARE EVERYWHERE and by that I don't mean our good ol' Ah lians or Ah hueys who are somehow by far better than the average plastics because, they simply don't pretend, they ask you the damn question of "Kua simi Kua" (literal translation: What are you looking at? It can also mean "What's your problem")

You see alot of Singaporeans I know of, including my friends, think ah lians and plastics mean the same thing but behold! THEY ARE NOT THE SAME. Plastics are people, typically girls, who goes around trying to be everybody's best friend (when they are not) and they are also the most odious bunch of people who are not only two-faced (somebody please hand them the oscar award man) but also damn good at backstabbing, they might well too be the one causing all the gossip uproar in your little community of friends. Right, as I was saying, the two are not the same, you see ah lians and ah hueys (we call the young one juvenile delinquents but the old ones gangsters' girlfriends) sometimes do have better personality than the PLASTICS because there is no need for them to pretend to be what or even who they are not, they can even trash things out with you should you offend them and well simply don't have the time to play the game of "who is Miss Popularity" or even the time to go around backstabbing you.

Plastics are the conniving ones, they scheme and plot against you, oust you out of their community or even your community, when you offend them. Sophiscated wackos? Well maybe so, but they probably spent half their time plotting and the other half executing the plans that the plans they had come up with had to work? Sometimes I really pity the plastics, they can be all shiny and attractive, but do they own a soul? Probably not, they might have given their soul away when they swore to their sisterhood of plastic-ship that they will be plastics till the very end and nobody can rip the plastics apart because they were never ever together. Ask me if I envy their popularity, absolutely not, why would I wanna envy people who firstly, don't have a soul, secondly, feels lonely and empty inside out and ever so insecure about themselves that they have to make others look bad in order to soothe their ego and thirdly, people who don't have any real friends around? Would I rather have a plastic as my friend, well absolutely not, who needs plastics when you can have mattel's barbie and ken?

Haha I am going nuts...

Ever wonder why people simply enjoys putting you down?
Ever wonder why people don't tell the truth about how they feel?
Ever wonder people likes to play the game of deceit?
Ever wonder why people spread insidious rumours?
Ever wonder why people create conflicts between people?
Ever wonder why you stop trusting people?
Ever wonder what's going to happen if you lost an emotional bet?
Ever wonder what's going to happen if you lose friends because of misunderstandings or rumours, which you don't even get to defend yourself?
Ever wonder what are you ever gonna do if you lose the courage to stand tall and continue fighting for what you believe in?
Ever wonder what's going to happen if you stop believing in what you used to believe?
Ever wonder what the hell is going to happen to you emotionally and physically when all you've held dear to your heart's all shattered?

on a break for a week.....

"There are days when I feel the best of me is ready to begin
And they're days when I feel i'm letting go and soaring on the wind
Cause i've learned in laughter or in pain how to survive" - Jaci Velasque, On my Knees

This is what I truly feel right now. I am all ready to stop crying, pick myself up and move on. Really, I am willing to put all that has happened behind me and just move on. It doesn't matter who once did me wrong, who once betrayed my trust, who once manipulated me, who once duped me, they are all over and I am glad I am still me, still here as me and even though there are days when I've broke down and cried because I couldn't take it anymore but those are just moments when I felt vulnerable and miserable but there's more to life and living. I don't just want to survive, I want to live, I crave to rise above all difficulties and I will keep on fighting and when you feel someday you have nothing to hold on to, just remember you have yourself to take care and account to, and for that I'll keep on fighting.

Today was a really cold and foggy day, it is one of those days which you would just like to stay in or hop on a bus to thaw yourself since its so freaking cold and I absolutely hate the idea of walking around when its so cold and guess what, there are still beggars on the street asking for spare change (that is a nicer way to beg for money I guess).

Sometimes I wonder, if the beggars on the street are sad and/or hungry everyday? To be snubbed away repeatedly many times a day is definitely a horrible feeling, especially when it is so cold out there now. Makes me wonder, if someone out there cries for help, what are the chances of them being heard and assisted? I feel really sad for these people sometimes but sometimes the reasons why I refuse to help them is because they are using these monies for drugs and other vices like drinking, smoking etc, makes me wonder again, if it is really worth empathying them. Life is such, full of contradictions.

“Some backstab each other and threaten to settle their differences with a punch”
- Thomas Boswell

For those deceitful creatures doing the above-mentioned or even people who resort to violence to resolve your issues with others, do yourselves a big favour, pull up your socks and get those stupid ideas out of your head. I really hate to say this but it has always been my favourite quote, I got it off somewhere but I just cannot remember where, here goes:

"May God be with you, because he is the only one who will be there for you at the very end"

For all the lies you've told, for all the violences you've committed against others, for all the underhanded means you've gone through just to get things done your way, you are nothing but a low class creature which I don't even have any idea why I am blogging about you this low class creature who cannot seem to see beyond that puny little world of yours, I mean seriously why should I care? But seriously, if you made the mistake and you realised it, sometimes all we need from you people is just an apology, not that we are going to be all chummy again but it is to give this entire saga thing a closure. Sometimes all we need from people is acknowledgement of fault and we may well forgive that person, I know I will but obviously, like I said I will forgive you and bear no grudges but somehow we will not be as chummy as before.

The only mistake I've made this year is to tell 2 freshmen about what happened between somebody else and myself, gee what was I thinking right? Well I guess when you are being slimed all the time, and you hear them from various sources, from different people who are not closely connected to one another, you just find the need to protect yourself and sometimes you would rather tell people about what happened first, then later when the other side of the story has been told and well sometimes you don't even get to present your side of the story.

And if you would have the brains to figure things out, yes those 2 betrayed me, how would I know that? Because I only told them and it has to be them who leaked out the information, trust me I know who I tell my stuff to and also because of some things that happened which kind of pointed out to me indirectly that I was telling them stuff. You know what, I admit I have myself gossiped about the other person but I did not say anything that was not true or put words into that person's mouth and that is all I have done. I am not hurt because of some unpleasant things that happened yesterday but I am unhappy and hurt because what I was deducing actually was true and I genuinely liked these people before until everything came out, it is hurtful, I was even having doubts as to my judgment and was thinking maybe things are not the way I've imagined them to be but sadly they are, never mind, this taught me something, do not be too eager to protect yourself, let the truth speaks for itself, I've made a mistake and I have to live with it and bear it in mind and just move on. In any case, don't worry about me, I'm happy. I'm a happy girl!

I am not trying to be different, I am different, I just am.

Alot of times, people think of me as the girl who is always trying new stuff, accepting challenges, doing all sorts of things to stand out from the crowd, they all think I am trying to be different, unique in other words. Sometimes they wonder, why can't I just be like everyone else, why can't I just be like them, but I am not them, not now, not ever, will never be like them.

I sail away from the safe harbour not to prove anything or even my self-worth, my existence is the best proof of my self-worth, I sail away from the safe harbour far too many times because I want to see what exactly lies beyond these safety limits, I want to experience life the best way I can, I want to push myself to the limit and that is life for me, sure I demand alot from my life but who doesn't? People who lack the guts to explore and test their own mettle deserves no praise, neither do they have the right to criticise and put down those who dare to dream and live a life with no regrets.

Sure, your life can be far more glamourous than mine because you've taken the well travelled path but can you derive as much satisfaction as I can? Far too many times have we seen successful people leading a empty, hollow life with zero satisfaction let alone a life filled with energy, spirit and happiness. There is one certain pleasure in life that most can't enjoy, that's the pleasure to own the freedom to be different. I don't try to be different, I just am different.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less
traveled by, And that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost

The Bee

I was watching a film in my room the other day when I heard this annoying buzzing sound which later on progressed to some repetitive soft knocks on my window and guess what I found? A bee and what was that bee trying to do? Getting out of my room.

The bee was flying to and fro, back and forth but it couldn't get out, it was perpetually knocking itself against my window when the exit was just about 2 inches beneath it, it was in fact, flying madly and furiously towards the same invisible spot marked on the window repetitively, looking fervently for the exit but never finding it, it was really the so near yet so far kind of situation. In its state of anxiety, it was unable to see the exit had it stop where it landed after its fall (which was a result of knocking itself against the window). One headless 'chicken' except it is not exactly a chicken *duhz*

The bee reminded me of people, moving around frantically 24/7, keeping themselves busy, clouding their minds, refusing to sit down, stop, ponder and wonder, take a breather and look around before doing anything else, which I suspect is one of the reason why they are often so confused, trapped and frustrated. I think humans sometimes are like computers which are either infected with virus or are suffering from some troubleshooting errors, the way to fix your computer is to sit down, calm down, take a breather, make sure you are ready before touching the computer, only when you calmed down will you be able to go through the proper step by step procedures to fix it patiently, or alternatively you can try to fix the computer in a state of panic and end result is probably you wacking the computer and surely we won't want that eh?

So people, take a break every now and then, relax a little (not too much) and see where you are heading to before moving on eh?

People always ask me the following:-

"Livvy, why do you always have to post everything you feel or rather your opinions of whatever that happens on your blog? Why would you want people to know what you think and are you not afraid that people might see right through you when you post your thoughts all on your blog?"

I thank you lot for asking these series of questions and I would like to ensure you all that I am not opening myself up for scrutiny, neither am I allowing people to understand me as a person, as who I am by voicing out my opinions on certain issues. It is fallacious to assume that one can understand what I am like just by reading my blog, no you won't be able to figure me out just by reading my blog. Because this is my blog, I control the contents of what I would allow others to read and see, you will only see a certain side of me and perhaps just my thoughts on particular incidents but definitely not understand me.

If I would already have difficulty understanding and figuring myself out sometimes, what makes you think you can really understand me just by reading my blog. This is no crash course on what Livia is like, sorry, wrong place to start. In fact there is not actually a way to understand people completely, you may be able to predict what one will do based on similar events of the past however please note that people change as time goes by so this may not be true, in any case, please kindly bear in mind of the fact that people can project whatever impression they want you to project them as sometimes.

Those who assumes they know somebody or know what somebody will do just by their perceptions or understanding up to a certain point of what they are like are those who will never accomplish much in life, it sometimes takes a lifetime to understand 3/4 of what a person is like, so this is a big mistake, real big one, and its costly to make them so refrain from making them.

So that boys can gain more weight?

Trust is defined as

"Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing"

It is probably the most important element in every relationship, betweeen parents and children, between friends, between boyfriends and girlfriends, between doctors and patients and the list goes on. And what does it take for one human being to trust another? I don't know if it is just me or everybody, but as we grow older, we find it more and more tough to trust someone, we are all, in fact turning paranoid and sometimes we doubt people's intentions when they seemed overly friendly or overly appreciative and due to some historical issues you have with someone (i.e. betrayal) you learn to trust the person alot lesser or sometimes not at all and this makes maintaining human relationships with one another much more difficult in this modern context.

Sure, it is alright to be selfish and yes let's be perfectly honest with each other, we are all selfish individuals and we all want the best for ourselves but does this mean it is alright to turn on someone, betray someone's trust in you just because it is advantageous for you to do so, to others detriment but to your advantage? I am not trying to sound noble or righteous because hell no, I am nothing like that but between people, there should be some irreducible minimum standards we should adhere to like, not breaking the trust. Sure it is just the tricks of surviving, surely you have to take care of yourself first before caring for the others, surely it is your friends or whoever's fault for confiding in you, who asked them to be so stupid?

Have you ever thought about being a credible and trustworthy individual? Have you ever thought about your reputation as a person and not just that but what kind of damage you are doing to those who trust you? Human relationships these days are like trust, breakable, fragile, sometimes you don't even know who are your friends or rather who can you call your friends, sometimes you feel like you are on a constant battle with everyone around you, constantly watching your back, you withhold frank comments, you withhold all personal information for fear of betrayal. Human tends to make things all so complicated and they just make life alot harder to live sometimes. I guess my Dad's right with his 'trust no one' philosophy, sometimes I really want to believe there are some good in people, some values in people that can make the world a better place but I am just being plain naive. Naivety brings me nothing but trouble but I blame no one for my own naivety, I have only myself to blame. Don't feel sorry for me, this is not an entry to make you guys feel sorry for me, it is just to raise your awareness about trust issues between people, if you are smart enough, you will learn something out of this. Don't write to me and ask me what happened or you are sorry to hear that because I am really not sorry that I made this mistake for if I never make mistakes I never know how to make things right.