People always ask me the following:-

"Livvy, why do you always have to post everything you feel or rather your opinions of whatever that happens on your blog? Why would you want people to know what you think and are you not afraid that people might see right through you when you post your thoughts all on your blog?"

I thank you lot for asking these series of questions and I would like to ensure you all that I am not opening myself up for scrutiny, neither am I allowing people to understand me as a person, as who I am by voicing out my opinions on certain issues. It is fallacious to assume that one can understand what I am like just by reading my blog, no you won't be able to figure me out just by reading my blog. Because this is my blog, I control the contents of what I would allow others to read and see, you will only see a certain side of me and perhaps just my thoughts on particular incidents but definitely not understand me.

If I would already have difficulty understanding and figuring myself out sometimes, what makes you think you can really understand me just by reading my blog. This is no crash course on what Livia is like, sorry, wrong place to start. In fact there is not actually a way to understand people completely, you may be able to predict what one will do based on similar events of the past however please note that people change as time goes by so this may not be true, in any case, please kindly bear in mind of the fact that people can project whatever impression they want you to project them as sometimes.

Those who assumes they know somebody or know what somebody will do just by their perceptions or understanding up to a certain point of what they are like are those who will never accomplish much in life, it sometimes takes a lifetime to understand 3/4 of what a person is like, so this is a big mistake, real big one, and its costly to make them so refrain from making them.

So that boys can gain more weight?

Trust is defined as

"Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing"

It is probably the most important element in every relationship, betweeen parents and children, between friends, between boyfriends and girlfriends, between doctors and patients and the list goes on. And what does it take for one human being to trust another? I don't know if it is just me or everybody, but as we grow older, we find it more and more tough to trust someone, we are all, in fact turning paranoid and sometimes we doubt people's intentions when they seemed overly friendly or overly appreciative and due to some historical issues you have with someone (i.e. betrayal) you learn to trust the person alot lesser or sometimes not at all and this makes maintaining human relationships with one another much more difficult in this modern context.

Sure, it is alright to be selfish and yes let's be perfectly honest with each other, we are all selfish individuals and we all want the best for ourselves but does this mean it is alright to turn on someone, betray someone's trust in you just because it is advantageous for you to do so, to others detriment but to your advantage? I am not trying to sound noble or righteous because hell no, I am nothing like that but between people, there should be some irreducible minimum standards we should adhere to like, not breaking the trust. Sure it is just the tricks of surviving, surely you have to take care of yourself first before caring for the others, surely it is your friends or whoever's fault for confiding in you, who asked them to be so stupid?

Have you ever thought about being a credible and trustworthy individual? Have you ever thought about your reputation as a person and not just that but what kind of damage you are doing to those who trust you? Human relationships these days are like trust, breakable, fragile, sometimes you don't even know who are your friends or rather who can you call your friends, sometimes you feel like you are on a constant battle with everyone around you, constantly watching your back, you withhold frank comments, you withhold all personal information for fear of betrayal. Human tends to make things all so complicated and they just make life alot harder to live sometimes. I guess my Dad's right with his 'trust no one' philosophy, sometimes I really want to believe there are some good in people, some values in people that can make the world a better place but I am just being plain naive. Naivety brings me nothing but trouble but I blame no one for my own naivety, I have only myself to blame. Don't feel sorry for me, this is not an entry to make you guys feel sorry for me, it is just to raise your awareness about trust issues between people, if you are smart enough, you will learn something out of this. Don't write to me and ask me what happened or you are sorry to hear that because I am really not sorry that I made this mistake for if I never make mistakes I never know how to make things right.

Being Single

I'm 21 and I am single. I'm not on the prowl and believe it or not, I am happy being single, really just trust me. Recently, people around me have been posing the big 'why' question as to my status of being either single or attached and as if this is not embarassing enough, my so called chummy friends fixed me up with their supposedly good catches, oh come on people, give me some credit, surely I don't need all these unwarranted attention, shower your attention to your other half, I mean really, give me a break, my parents are not even worried about me being single and why should you? *duhz*

Sure, people at my age would already have met their special half and even the 'most disgusting ones' are attached according to my wonderful friend, Sebastian. (I'm giving you all the credit Sebas!) So what? This means I should quickly grab some random guy or in fact any guy friends of mine and seal their fate? Hell no, sorry as much as you think I should, I rather leave everything to fate, chance and opportunity.

Being single's definitely not a crime and I am enjoying every bits of freedom it entails and everything about being single right now, at this point in time, there is really nothing but all good fun! Someone told me we are all on the search for this mysterious object known as love but are we all really searching for love? There may actually exists two main categories of people, those who are on the prowl, thus constantly on the search for love or those who are not on the search for love but will not reject it if it comes along, so which category do you belong to then? For me, I believe I fall very much within the latter category.

Loneliness, age is catching up on you etc etc are simply not reasons to hook up with someone. Come on, have a little pity on the person you are flirting with, don't hurt people and waste his/her time and most importantly your time, surely you have better things to do! And if the right one's not here yet, it means you'll have to wait and hold out there alittle longer, besides all good things are worth the wait. A relationship, in my own opinion (of course you are entitled to your own so long as you don't impose yours on me) is pretty much an investment of your care and concern, patience and emotions, if you are not ready for it, you shouldn't get yourself committed because end of the day, you might just hurt yourself or others and feel get all guilt-ridden for hurting someone who is truly a gem.

Relationships these days have become so commercialised in the sense you actually have fixed a list of expectations and le désir, you meet A and you start checking against your list if he/she is of marriage material, are you both from the same social status, are you guys compatible generally on the whole and if most of the answers are positive, I'll consider and give A a chance. You see what happen to those fairy tales love stories like Cinderella and Snow White & seven dwarfs, do we even heed the implied advice given by Snow White when she sings her "Some day my prince will come, Some day my prince will come ...." no, we don't! WE tend to check our status of being single or attached against the social timeline when one should be getting ready to commit him/herself to someone, we escalate friendships and transform them to relationships thus killing every magic touch to the word 'romance'

Hey you know what, love is not a commodity, you don't get it off shelf the supermarkets after selection and comparison as to which is healthier for you, low carb etc etc, just let nature takes its own course and relax, if you are destined to be a damn bacherlor or spinster, you will be one even if you are attached now at the end of the day! So screw the social perceptions as to when you should find someone to be faithful to and really compel everyone else to see the world and how things work for you in your eyes.

ok I've digressed a little, getting back to my point, I'm perfectly normal and am not a gay, I'm single and I'm loving it so please leave me alone and don't ask me or your friends who have been single for awhile, as unfortunate as you think we are, we are actually enjoying ourselves and the reason why we might be single is perhaps because the right one is not here yet and we are still waiting for him/her to sweep us off our feet and perhaps only then we'll be willing to shack up and walk in sunsets with Mr/Ms the one for me.

Part II

Then came work, (most of us might have worked either part time or temporary during the holidays to earn some extra pocket money) you meet people who are also known as your colleagues at work and inevitably, through sheer proximity, the immense common source of pressure you guys faced complemented with the daily 8 hours or more made these people your friends for the moment till you quit. But of course, not everyone makes friends for the moment, some manage to maintain the friendships even after leaving the work place. Which sets me thinking, what is it that make someone your friend/s?

Moments spent together are perhaps one of the requirements on your 'checklist', for Isabel and me, it was the years we've spent debating and discussing issues pertaining to our lives and our direction for the future, the things we both like to do, the times we've spent laughing ourselves silly and crying ourselves silly all these and so much more, we are much more fortunate than the others because we have found each other and somehow she's my soulmate, we are also much more fortunate because of all the amazing times we've spent going on and on about things we've talked about endlessly without getting bored of one another. It's perhaps the 'X' factor that kept us together, chemistry that is. But are these all?

Let's backtrack a little and reminisce. When we are young, we are all on a clean slate, we are generally more open to making friends with anyone and I mean anyone or even anything, a barbie, a toy car, a pet dog or fish can too be your friends. There is simply no friends-to-be checklist nor is there any expectations set to call someone your friends. But as you grow older, you start developing a certain form of attitude towards life, start pontificating abit more about life, your experiences start shaping you and with each passing year, we become more focused on our interests, ideologies and thus form our own school of thoughts, anyone who don't share your ideas and philosophies of life just don't 'click' with you and you are certainly not interested to know more about what people who are different think, you understand your needs in a friend and start zooming in for friends who share the same interests, same beat pounding on political issues and in short people who are like you. Sometimes because you make friends based on interests like the sports you fancy and the cars you fancy, you tend to get disconnected with these friends after awhile because these people are replaceable, why? Common interests such as kind of sports one play, the passion for cars and hobbies like shopping and dining are commonalities which are not unique and hence people are dispensable once again, there is really nothing to hold the friendship. Sometimes such friendships die after awhile because they got too boring and you need something refreshing, so 'bye bye old friend, here comes a new blood'. And perhaps this is one of the reason why it becomes harder to find new friends and build friendships on an intense level because we have all continued on to our own individual paths and set a certain expectations for our friends-to-be, with the 'those who don't meet the requirements need not apply' kind of attitude, is it really possible to build friendships on an intense level?

People who have known each other for a long time share an amazingly rich history are likely to stay as friends because of the thick context given to the friendship built over the years and it is simply difficult for new friends to jump in to such situations because they cannot understand the 'recycled' jokes that are forever funny, the idiosyncracies, the quirky ways which are deemed funny and not weird because they have not been there then and somehow its never easy to make this new friend see the full picture for he/she has been missing in action through the years the old friends spent, and sometimes people get lazy and they just don't want to repeat their stories like some mindless broken record player that goes on and on and this is also perhaps one of the reason why people like you and me find it hard to make new friends.

Effort is another factor which is not too difficult to understand, it is easy to be friends with anybody when you see them every now and then, be it in school or at work so on and so forth, but it is never easy to remain as friends once you leave school or the same firm. Effort is also a vital ingredient in keeping friends around you close to your and their hearts, you may miss out on the thick context of friendship based on rich history part and find it hard to befriend such new friends but with a little more effort to start building your new history and initiatives to understand a person, you may just find your new great friend. Everything starts out somewhere. I do not think people can be friends and stay friends without making any efforts to keep it alive and going. Quite honestly, very minimal efforts are required to make friends when you are in school or in the same department as someone, like i've said earlier on, it is inevitable your co-workers transform to your friends due to the sheer proximity and time spent everyday together, likewise same theory apply for school, these are perhaps your convenient friends.

What I've blogged today might sound a little depressing but look at it this way, this is the harsh reality of life, try viewing this as the great Tapestry of Life which is made up of many single thread that gets woven among and around other threads and somehow one way or another gets cut. Signing off on a brighter note, there are always exceptions, sometimes a thread is woven in the tapestry till the very end of it's used up. :)

Friends - Part I
I think one really needs to talk to someone to start disliking them or if one can afford the time one should understand someone before he/she dislikes someone. I think accounts from another person's or in fact rumours and gossips about someone's half the time never true, of course the old saying "There's no smoke without fire" is somewhat profound and sound but don't forget malice is everywhere and people who practice malice are found almost everywhere. Best bet is to really have a chat with someone and feel the vibes see how he or she is like before passing off judgmental remarks like "He/She is a bad person because A told me so or I heard something like that about him/her"

Had it not been the chance both my best friend and I took, to chat with one another and see how one another is like, we would have missed one another in school and never be where we are today, our relationship wouldn't have progressed till today. I think like most others, we have all been victims of malicious gossips and too many times we have both heard bad things about one another and don't ask me how and when we just started giving one another dirty looks as we passed one another until one fine day we were both placed in the best class in the school. Well I remembered vividly how we've met and became friends, it was during one of the PE lessons (PE = physical exercise) and there was then 3 of us, we decided to skip that tortuous lesson and to avoid attending make-up PE lessons from the then PE instructor we had to hide ourselves in the toilet and we stayed there chatting for one entire hour. That was how our friendship began and I'm glad we've met.

I think in a way, my life is alot better since I met her and another friend of ours, I never had any faith in friendships, never had anyone to confide in, never had someone whom I can trust and having betrayed one too many times, I just got sick of the idea of friendship. To me friendship was then just another word that's devoid of its meaning and I just am afraid of having friends, no matter how sincere I am to others, no one really appreciates me. I'm not saying Isabel's some kind of superwoman who changed my life dramatically or whatsoever with a flash of lightning bolt, but she's been an amazing friend, with time on our side, she showed me how I can place my trust in her, how I can confide in her my silliest moments without her being judgmental, how I can rely on her in moments when I'm troubled or when I'm in need and so on and so forth.

It's been a swank-ilicious (That's my equivalent for superlicious) whooping 6 years coming 7 years and we are still the best of friends! I think we have worked our asses off to really keep the friendship going, there's really no magic formula as to how we kept the friendship alive and still going but just loads of love, respect, trust and honesty. (I pray and I pray may we grow old to be funky old ladies together, who will go around wrecking havoc in town wearing those big weird hats scaring the bejesus out of everyone and get away with all that crap cos we are cute little old ladies, too hot for the authorities to handle, I pray and I pray very very hard!)

I don't know if it's just me or everyone, but I do feel that the older I get, the more I value friends and this concept of friendship. Indeed, what makes you form a friendship with someone and what don't is the mind-bogging thing which somehow I can never quite figure. A lot of my friends say its the 'click' factor, it really depends if you can click with someone and also fate for people who are equally as superstitious as me who believes in chances, luck and fate. ok I don't attribute everything to fate and chance but for human relations I really like to relate fate with it.

Back in school, friendships came as of right, they came naturally, you and your friends will form your own cliques and hang around at the various spots in school spending time eating, gossiping (casual gossips), laughing at one another's weird behaviour like farting or burping, hanging out at someone's place to watch some movies, studying together, in fact almost anything under the sun that's doable, you guys will just do it, in packs.

...Part II will be back soon...

dear all,

pardon me for my long absence, I've been caught up with some stuff lately and haven't really had the time to post, please check this space after this weekend.

Thanks.

Sometimes growing up can be quite a pain. You tend to lose quite a fair bit of things in the process of growing up. Yourself, your friends, your faith and trust in people, contentments of life are just a few of the things you lose along the way. Somehow like that is not enough, life somehow always gets a little too complicated, you begin to feel insecure and wonder what you will become or rather who you will become in 3 or 5 years time, you start wondering where you'll stand on the social ladder ten years down the road, you worry unnecessarily.
 
You start realizing what an ugly world you are living in, you find people whom you once called your friends turned against you, you find friendship is but a word like trust, both of which are devoid of meaning and all emotions, you start understanding how selfish people are, you start seeing the nasty side of life. Welcome to the dark side.
 
You find great difficulty making more new friends as you grow older each year, you find it difficult to build that connection, you even find great difficulty keeping your friends. Friends whom you have kept so close to turned out to be the ones who have gone on a rampage to backstab you furiously, friends whom you have lost touch with make a reappearance in your life and you realised these are actually your real friends, the real ones who really matter. (I will do another posting on this in the next few days)
 
You get your heart broken by some flirts who are playing the field or even worse you find no one decent to date, you find yourself single and very available but there's no one there for you, no one at the receiving end. Sure bachelors and bachelorettes are now trendy, who needs a partner when you are young, hot and have tons of friends who will hang out with you at pubs and clubs? Haha, reality then begin to set in, your friends are all getting attached, one by one and before you know it, you are the last one left. You are then left with no companionship other than your mug on your desk and you wonder why, why is this happening to you when you are actually attractive or appealing in terms of looks and/or personality.
 
You look at your certificates and medals on the walls and shelves and you feel no satisfaction, you find yourself feeling hollow and empty inside out. You start looking for a job and realised you are either underqualified or overqualified and you are not getting the plush job you were once promised if you get your first class or second upper class degrees, you start wondering why in the world did you worked your ass off back in school to get a job that's not paying you well or a position which you are dispensable, the company will not crush or crumbled without you. You felt you are no longer important. Or you finally gotten the job and pay you wanted, 2 years down the road you are retrenched because you are overpaid with your experience and standing in the company, in other words, your job has been replaced by some fresh graduates who can too perform your functions at a cheaper rate, once again welcome to the club of dispensables, where old things never go, new ones never come, everyone is dispensable.
 
Sometimes I wonder why life has become so complicated and confusing, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel bitter at how complicated life has become, sometimes I just wish I can revert back to the days where Barbie dolls are the coolest toys on earth, where sharing a packet of sweets with the person beside me will make her my friend and we'll have loads of fun together.
 
But would you rather live in such simple, naive and uncomplicated life or would you rather gather what you learn everyday into the ever growing encyclopedia of ways of dealing with life and people? Would this simplicity guarantee happiness? Would this life free from complications be a fulfilling, enriching one which I will reminisce over and over and over and again and again? Would there actually be any memories or things which I can reminisce about? Maybe not, because missing out the huge part of growing up, that huge part of dealing with complications with life (no matter how traumatic and tough it may be), that part of life which I will learn alot of things, gain a lot of knowledge and so on and so forth, will give me nothing to recollect about! Nothing! So being the sick psycho if you would so desire to call me, I will actually miss the bumpy ride I'm currently on, I will actually miss everything I have learnt and sought after, I will even miss my mistakes, no matter how painful some has inflicted.
 
You might have wished for the hands of clock to turn back at times so that you can erase those painful memories, those moments when you have felt utterly disappointed with people and life, moments when you felt lost and confused and so on. But did you know, these moments are whatever that shaped and made you who you are today? Somehow life's a mixed bag of issues, most of which are complicated and frustrating, somehow everyone who's reading this knows somehow we'll all make it, we'll all be able to pontificate upon life and share the experiences and bumpy rides we have had been on with our children, nieces, nephews so on and so forth and as we do that an euphoria of mixed emotions will emanate and we'll know our life has been well lived. Life is sometimes but a wealth of knowledge and mixed bag of emotions eh?

Chain letters
 
This is one reason why I admire this guy so much. This is what he wrote
 
"Friends and acquaintances alike,Hope you people are having a good day.I'm just thinking out loud here, so forgive the irrelevant ramblings. Recently, I noticed a trend in the bulletins and that is, the number of chain-letters (or chain-bulletins) has increased. One of these is some Latin mumbo-jumbo prayer that supposedly bestows death if it does not get circulated. Day after day, someone posts a bulletin with the same subject: "he died", until this seems to be the predominant topic. It is a little amusing though, I must admit and the hilarity is that the so-called curse might be something out of a Harry Potter movie/book (correct me if I'm wrong).My concern is not so much the posting of chain letters but more so the motivation behind such posts. These letters have been designed to scare and by the looks of it, they have succeeded in instilling fear amongst us.I am not going to demand that these chain letters stop being posted since it is not in my capacity to do so (i.e. there should always be freedom of expression), and I am aware that anything is possible (so why take the chance of not sending it out, right?). However, I do think it's worth considering this: In our lifetimes, we would come across many things that scare us. Sometimes the threat is real and sometimes it is perceived. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I am exempt of fear. There are times when I too feel the very fear that strikes at the depths of your heart.But whatever the threat, I put forth that if you have faith and believe that ultimately good triumphs over evil, then there is really nothing to fear. Going by the number of chain-mails I failed to send out, I'm probably supposed to have been killed more than ten times over (either that, or I should have turned into a rubber-necked chicken). But alas, it was not meant to be.Personally, the two main reasons why I do not circulate chain-letters are: (i) I don't believe in them; and(ii) The curse has to end somewhere. If people keep sending them out, they're only going to be keeping the "curse" alive, and worse still, they are "cursing" their friends...at least send them to your enemies for crying out loud (kidding).That being said, if at any time, out of fear, you feel that you absolutely must post a chain-letter you can forward it to me via email/msn/friendster/etc. and I would do a raindance and dispel whatever curse there is. Perhaps, I'm lucky to still be alive, some may think. I guess, it's because I merely refuse to die...not yet anyway...haha.The other kinds of bulletins which I find more annoying are the ones that are in poor taste. These are worse than the chain-mails since in this case, the sender seems to take a delight/pleasure in the subject matter. In the news, we hear about how terrorists have been going aroud beheading people. I think it's absolutely tasteless to post a bulletin circulating videos of the actual beheading of victims. Violence in movies is one thing. Brutality in reality is another. Then again, this is my opinion and to each his own. Of course, if the face of the person on the video is someone you know, would you be able to sleep at night?I think I'll end here before I step on too many toes. In any case, thank you for your time and have an eventful day.
 
Best Regards
xx"
 
Gosh don't you just love him? Ok I'm in awe and am very charmed! HAHA The name has been changed to xx to protect the innocent! HAHA

Someone wrote me an email asking me if it is actually ok if she paraphrased some works of mine and post it up her blog.

Guess what was my reply? I said "Sure, go ahead. So long as you don't paraphrase the entire article and you add in new issues or include your own personal experiences now and then, I'm perfectly fine with that."

My friends said I must be nuts to allow someone infringe my copyrights but no, I don't think so. So long as she don't paraphrased the entire article and she introduce new perspectives of hers and/or her own experiences which she can relate to what I have came up with, that is perfectly fine, there is certainly no infringement of my rights. Words unlike designs are not exactly some intellectual property which you can protect but stories are. However if someone were to paraphrase some portions of my work and relate them to their own experiences, that's not copying!

A lot of writers out there don't come up with original stories or phrases or even the sentence structures themselves. Some writers research for materials and used those materials as their resources for their writing bacon bits, some writers write their fiction and/or non fiction stories based on their experiences and sometimes they based it on what they have read and so on and so forth. If I were to read a book about self-enrichment today and extract certain underlying issues or principles and incorporate them into my writings, that's not copying either, and sometimes I can take it further one step by interpreting it my own way and explain it to people, is that copying too?

I think it is perfectly ok to base your writing bacon bits on what others write sometimes but use them as a guide not copy wholesale, give some thoughts to what people write and learn from them, that's how I improve, I read newspapers columnists' articles, story books and so on and so forth. I use them as a guide as to how to improve my style, how a morale lesson learnt from someone's experience can too be my resource for my writings. Sometimes we need to learn from others in order to improve...

I think the hardest part about making mistakes is that part about forgetting the shame, the guilt, the regrets, learning from your mistakes and finally moving on.

Half the time I remember the shame, the guilt, the regrets but quite often I left that part about remembering and learning from my past mistakes. Sometimes confronting with one's past can be both challenging and arduous but it is something I need to do every now and then so that I'll be reminded of the pain, hurt and sometimes anger I caused to others or felt because of my mistakes.

"Sure, everyone makes mistakes but that is perfectly alright so long as you learn from your mistakes."

Gee I wonder who said that, you know the thing about life is, it is not a testing or sounding board where you get a solution via the trial and error method. There are always consequences when you make a mistake and half the time your mistakes affect others around you and sometimes causes hurt and anger.

Ok so now what? Can we actually prevent making mistakes? I think yes, not always but sometimes yes, learn from others' mistakes and listen to what your elders have to offer and stop, really just stop thinking all about yourself, the world revolves around everyone, everyday, it is not just about you. I think half the mistakes I've made in my life are all due to my self-centeredness, sometimes we need to be considerate to others, which is why I think we should stop thinking all about ourselves, not stop thinking for ourselves neither is it stop thinking about ourselves, do you get it?

Sometimes not everyone gets to further their studies or gets the chance to even study, Miriam was one such unfortunate soul. She never had the opportunity to complete primary school and like all others, she started applying for jobs and found one as a waitress at a 6 star hotel’s restaurant.

It was a tuesday and she was taking down the customers' orders and on that day she served this family of 8, all are well-dressed and supposedly well educated and repeated their orders:

"Dear Sir and Mdm, so I repeat your order, you would like to have .........and an ice cleam..." Before she even finished her last sentence which was "Is that right?" the entire family started laughing and rolling their eyeballs and finally one said this "Excuse me, but you can't even pronounce ice cream? Or do you not know the word is spelt as CREAM and not CLEAM?" A second round of laughter accompanied that sentence.

Miriam blushed for awhile and then replied the following:

"Sirs and Madams, I never had the privilege to complete my primary education but that is ok, I have no one else to blame. But I think if you are that educated, you should correct my pronounciation and not make me your jester. If this is what education has to offer then I am glad I had none. Now ice CREAM it is." and she walked off

When we talk about educated folks, be it the yuppies or the Chinese educated generation people, what comes to our minds are those people who are well-bred, know all the etiquettes and dos and don’ts and basically are the polite ones. Ok maybe not all are that polite but generally there are quite a handful who are polite and wouldn’t do senseless stuff like laughing at others’ inadequacies i.e. what the family of 8 did to Miriam.

I think being smart the way you are is not a right but a gift and this gift does not entitle you to laugh at others inadequacies. Sure this may be some joke or something that’s just fun to you, but give it some thoughts and think about the damages you can inflict when you laugh at someone’s faults or weaknesses. Nobody wants to be stupid or vacuous, everybody would like to be talented, intelligentsias etc. Greatness comes from the willingness to help and teach those who are not as educated as you are, those who care not as well-read as you are, and intelligence is exhibited when you teach.

A boy I know of, Carlos is one such great guy who looks good on the outside and inside, well-versed in many languages and well-exposed to the world, this guy does not put on airs when it comes to meeting people and making friends, he don’t laugh at others inadequacies neither is he selfish when it comes to sharing his life experiences and correcting others’ mistakes. And for that I do think he lives a really rich life, it is all these little things that sometimes matter.

Another boy I know of, Sebas is another one such paragon of greatness, like Carlos, he is well-read and well-traveled oh did I mention this guy is rich too? Yeap a rich boy who knows nothing about putting on airs when it comes to meeting people who are less well-off and ignorant. Instead of making fun of these people, he teaches them. He once told me this “I think we are all smart for a reason, I may sound ridiculous but what if we are made the way we are so that we can help people?”

And I kinda think he’s right. I do think people who are better equipped with knowledge should help those who are not, its just like how the rich (if they have conscience) should help the unfortunate but then again you don’t have to be rich to help the unfortunate, you can just contribute a little of whatever you can to help the unfortunate. Ah well I may not sound convincing, you must be thinking why we should help others or teach others, what do we get in return but damn it people, sometimes we don’t have to do something to benefit ourselves and in any case I think laughing at someone’s inadequacies may well just be a shield, to prevent others from seeing your weaknesses, you amplify on others weaknesses but I would like to question your integrity as a person and quite honestly, I don’t see beauty from within but just pure ugliness behind that face of yours which might look angelic, decent or what have you.

I was busy snapping pictures at KL airport the other day when this cleaner lady came up to me and asked me the following:

"Eh there! Snap there lah girl! There's nothing over here! What is there to see? Crazy girl..." I responded with a shy smile and chuckled a bit, may she's right, I might just be a little crazy..*winks*

This was what I snapped




If you guys were to click on the picture, you'll see something's in the picture, something besides the tiling and decoration that's worth snapping...You see the deal is you'll always see something if you choose to.

The cleaner lady, with no offence, is just one of the many others who only notice what they want to and what they think are important and sometimes spot the differences only when it concerns them or when they get a prize for looking.

People these days seemed to be so busy and preoccupied with their lives that nothing else matters these days except for work and big hoo-ha headline news of tragedies, they no longer appreciate and acknowledge the little things that happen in the environment. A walk or trip on a bus or train represents no more than a way of getting somewhere, an airport is nothing but just an airport with nothing interesting to snap at since it looks the same all the time and unless there's people in it, there is really no picture of the site which you cannot get from the magazines or websites.

It is often too easy to take everything for granted, to not see the little things that used to matter due to one's hectic schedule but if you were to really start paying attention to the little things around you and continue looking at your life this way, you can be sure your life's so much richer than the rest...

Money is not everything but nobody can ever survive without money. Notice the word used, it's survive not live. You don't need money to live a fulfilling life or even just your life, but you definitely need money to survive. You don't need to let money dictate your life and teach you how to live, sometimes you really need to make things work for you not the other way round.

Sometimes I think money gives one the best of both worlds but sometimes I think they don't, as much pleasure as it brings, along comes with bitterness and tragedies. Sometimes people are just not content.

I think the hardest thing for most is to be content and happy with what you own and possess today, everyone is trying so hard to get the things they desire most which is probably why they never get to really live a life but just to survive and yes eventually live a life but a bitter one, one filled with so much of unhappiness and one that is constantly after something relentlessly not knowing when is enough. Life's a constant battle but why make it one that's only after money and not how to live a life of your own? Satisfy your basic needs and wants, sure by all means but also learn how to be content. This way your life would be much more happier and blessed.

Hello women, god made us the way we are for a reason.

I think in today's modern society, women are trying too hard to succeed in a men's world but hello! Who said it must be a men's world? The world belongs to everybody, too long have we been trying to prove to our male bosses that we are as capable as the men, as efficient as the men and we deserve the equivalent treatment and pay like what our male counterparts are getting but my point is what for?

Men are sometimes unforgiving judgmental idiots who labels women as weak, disabled and incompetent before or without even giving them a chance to try it, come on men we deserve more credit than that, surely god created us for a reason other than soothing your ego. And my dear female counterparts, god made us the way we are for a reason, we don't have to try so hard to succeed in a men's world.

No doubt we have our differences in terms of physical built and strength, we still don't have to succeed in their world, do things their way to show we can and we have the potential to do so, we can do things our own way and achieve the same results and still be a winner who saves the day so what is this stupid damn thing about playing the game by men's rules, nobody can define how to play a corporate game or what have you and I mean nobody. So please don't belittle yourself and insult your fellow women folks by doing things men's way or try so hard to succeed in men's world.

P.S: Not all men thinks the same way as those mentioned above and there are always exceptions, there are some decent men who respect women and these men are just so adorable aye?Men who are offended by my post or guilty of the above i.e judgmental fools, get out!

For fame?

A boy I know asked me if I blog because I want to be famous. I was puzzled and troubled when he posed that question to me. I may have started a blog because I like to share my writing bits with friends or people who enjoy my style of writing, I may have continued blogging because I derives satisfaction knowing how my writing bits motivates some people and it actually entertains people. But for fame? That is just so off.

I cannot comprehend why he actually asked that since he is some sort of buddy and he should know what I am like, to blog for fame? How is that remotely possible? I mean yes, some people write because they want to be famous or for attention, but me? Well I may want recognition for my works but being recognised and being famous is two different things. I never dreamed about being famous or wanted to be famous, I just write because I like to and I like to share bits and pieces of the moments in my life with people because they may just entertain people and somehow I hope my writing bits motivates people and bring some optimism to people's lives, showing them how their lives can be too a better one by looking at it from a better and different angle but definitely not to be famous.

Forgive me if I sound pompous but quite honestly, I don't blog to be famous or for attention, believe it or not, I can't handle attention, too much attention sometimes make me uncomfortable and it makes everything seemed so contrived. Yes, some years later, I would love to write for a living that is when I accumulated enough wisdom to write and entertain people, yes sometime soon, I would love to publish a book about one man's courage and strength and that man is my Father, yes sometime soon I would love to do some freelance writing to earn some of my travelling expenses, anything else but not for fame.

I just realised he removed me from his friendster list of friends and I guess that means we are friends no more. Must be my cold turkey treatment, but can you blame me? Well I think not, that is just someone who ain't worthy of my friendship. I wouldn't want to put you all through the trouble of reading what happened, you guys just need to know I gave the cold turkey treatment, deleted his numbers from my mobile, deleted him from my icq and msn messenger and soon he got the message and deleted me from his friendster, possibly msn messenger and icq.

In a way, this depicts the cruel and harsh fact that friends do come and go and yes I mean DO. Someone whom you may be sharing a nice ice cream sundae at some cafe today may be your 'friend no more' tommorow. Sometimes people leave and they stay that way and you remain forgotten. I think the best way of dealing with such situations is to forget that person too, there is not really a point to get all upset and spend some time pondering and wondering what actually happened or what caused it. Sometimes no reasons are needed to end a friendship. There is really no cause for concern, if someone can just take you off their list of friends without finding out what exactly is going on.

What you can perhaps and want to do now is to treasure your friendship today, remember not to take the person for granted, treasure every moment you guys shared and make the best out of the period of time when you guys are still friends, this will prevent you from having any cause for regrets in future, no 'if only' or 'how I could have done things differently' kind of issues, just sweet memories packed in a box, opened occasionally to remember and relive those moments, to relive that experience. I do that sometimes to remember people who have once been my friend and what hell lots of fun we once shared when we were friends and that made my life so much simpler, no cause for complications and so many more reasons to be happier...

Food for thoughts?

I guess I worried a little too much the day before. I guess this is what happens when you compare and contrast, you lose sight of who you are and the many wonderful things you can do and accomplish. Somehow the grass is never greener just of different shades that's all, this is what I've come to understand. Someone once said that to me and I guess I brushed away that too quickly and forgotten all about it. It's a simple phrase really, but it speaks volume.

I guess comparing and contrasting are healthy once in awhile to pump the adrenalin, to get you going, to motivate you, but it's not everything. One should not let it consume him/herself completely, moderation is the key. So glad I've figured things out. Sometimes all I need is time to reflect and remember who I am and what I have done and what I can accomplish. Oh well we all get silly moments where our minds are clouded. :)

I have just seen the most wonderful place today and I would like to share it with all of you. Castles can be built in the air afterall. Imagine the impossible, create your own world and enjoy it. One day, just one day, I'll be there, experiencing the greatness of seeing this fantastic castle with my very own eyes. Chicken Soup for the Soul perhaps?

Schloss Neuschwanstein, Germany


Now all credits are given to the following website:
http://www.ringlord.com/people/walrus/neuschwanstein/#ImageGallery

A boy I know of is quitting Yale Law School, yeap you've got it right, it's Yale, one of the most prestigious and top leading law schools in the States. So what exactly is he going to do then? Volunteer work. Yes, this friend of mine is giving up his law degree for his passion, passion to help people, passion to make a difference in people's life, not just his, of course he will eventually feel the difference in his anyway.

His decision shocked his parents and close family friends, everyone thinks he is making the biggest mistake in his life, but is he? He's a very bright and intelligent boy who happens to not only ace all his papers but excels in whatever he's set out to do and his lecturers and peers all think he's insane or probably had too good a life to throw away anyway. He's making a very tough decision in his life and there is no one there to walk him through this supposedly rough patch he chose.

I admire him for staying true to his passions and dreams, how many of us can actually do that? Living your dreams and passions is a whole lot of hardwork and this is perhaps the reason why most people don't live up to theirs anyway. When the whole world is questioning your decisions, your judgement, your ideas and your sanity, you need tons of courage, faith and hope to pull everything off. I don't, in my opinion, think that he's wasting his life away, I think helping people, making people's day and making a difference to people's lives is what he really wants to do, that is his definition of a fulfilling life not some life which he spend endless hours behind that neat, sleek desk. Look at all those starlets or stars in Hollywood or Bollywood, some made it as superstars and some didn't but who is to say those who didn't failed in life? They have for once, truly lived and that is sufficient. Who is to say my friend here's going to waste his life and become the biggest joke and failure in this modern contemporary world? I don't really know what is failure anyway, in the truest sense, it doesn't mean you failed because you don't measure up to what society demands from you.

It's not easy sometimes to make such tough choices and a decision may not be wrong just because everyone else don't understand, you are not everyone else, you are you, master of your own fate and you decide what your life journey should be and if living your dreams and passions is what you set out to do, that is your fate. People have been telling him that his life could be alot better, but that's all beside the point isn't it? His life is already tres tres bien, grand in its own way. For what can be measured to the greatness of such kind acts that comes from the heart, for what can be compared to the smile you've brought to someone who's never probably had a home or family? I never seemed to understand people, they can sometimes find great difficulty dealing with people's success and on the other hand have a hard time handling people's loftiest ambitions, not to mention great great difficulty dealing with people who cannot quite make it up on the social level (ok sidenote). But to each his own, everyone has their own dreams and passions to live and ultimately the only question that really matter is "What if I don't try?" and not "What if I am making the biggest mistake in my life?"

You go guy! Go for it! Don't grow old with regrets!

I suppose I am a hard nut to crack when it comes to friendships these days, the only certainty about friendships is nothing's for certain. I felt terribly let down by the recent turn of events, all the backstabbing saucy stuff, it's not like I have high expectations of my friends or something but whenever someone betrays my trust I see that as a let down of their potential and failure on my part of judgment.

Of course, different categories of friends require different levels of expectations, but at the very basic level, all I expect from someone is sincerity. Sometimes I wished for a little more, which is a simple straightforward theory that goes "Hang around me if you feel comfortable, if not the door's always there for you" but these days who shows their likes and dislikes openly? As much as you hate to be involved in politics, you are just involved somehow one way or the other, you patronize people with the regular "Oh Hi! How have you been" (passionately) even when that someone annoys you. Let's not include the superficial friends known as acquaintances because quite frankly all of us patronize these group of people half the time, let's just narrow down the discussion to friends, people who have the potential of becoming your good friend.

I am but a straighforward person, if I dislike someone I'll just make it known to that person, either by declaring it or through showing it (sometimes it takes awhile to show though). If someone's worth my attention, I will probably go tell him/her what exactly's about him/her I dislike or annoys me, alternatively I'll walk away from this so called 'friend' eventually or though I am not too sure if this is the right thing to do. The very last thing I will do is to go around gossiping about this person whom I dislike, for what does that make me of a person anyway? Sometimes people don't realise I don't exactly need them around, I don't need all that hypocrisy, if you don't like me just go, why put up a false front and go around pretending you are my friend, you like me half the time? Why be aggressive and passive at the same time?
I don't need such company. There's nothing I can do to anyone if they choose not to be my friend, so what is it that these people cannot see anyway, it's not like they get a million dollars for sticking around with me anyway.

I would very much appreciate if someone were to come forward and tell me what exactly is so irritable about me rather than going around spreading rumours or gossips about me. These people are just total let downs, I shan't waste my night dwelling on this.

P.S: I wrote this partly because I need to channel my negative emotions somewhere and partly to send the message across to the people reading my blog, who I believe are mostly my friends, it's never too late to tell me or confess whatever you said about me, I will respect and be thankful for your honesty and I promise no hard feelings.

I remembered how happy I was when people gave me a chance to fill in the position of Chief Editor for the society and I promised myself to contribute whatever I can. This is my committment. Then I was given the duties of webmaster reason being I have a blog and the blog shows my efficiency in web-building, but this is not true, for all web-bloggers you will know what I mean but still I accepted the job, treated it as a challenge and an opportunity to learn something new, it was a challenge back then.

Today I was introduced as Chief Editor and Webmaster of the society, I felt proud with the former being mentioned but somewhat awkward when the latter position was mentioned. I would have felt equally proud if I had been able to carry out my duties, I planned to do up the website during this space of free time but things always don't go the way we plan, do they? I cannot use yahoo page builder due to the advertisements popping out every now and then but that's ok, he said he will teach me how to do up the thing or provide me with frontpage software to solve this issue. After a few failed attempts to reach him, I wrote an email to get him to give me a clear indication with regards to the website issue, I really wanted to know if he is still going to teach me or not, if he is not, then I will want to do the website using yahoo page builder and if that's not allowed I will then not want to assume this responsibility, how can I go around telling people I am also the webmaster when I've not done anything to deserve such title? I am not attributing blame or trying to push someone else to do the job, I am merely stuck in the middle, seeking for clarity.

I hate leaving jobs undone, especially when it affects people not just myself. Responsibility is but a simple word, explained by oxford dictionary as duty resulting from your work or position, it is a liability and it is a duty, people who don't know their responsibilities deserves no respect from anyone, nor are they fit to tell people what to do. Without responsibility, people's commitment to the results of their work will diminish, responsibility builds trust, good relationship between teamplayers and irresponsibility not only cause inconvenience to others but diminish your credibility, to succeed in life is to be accountable for what you have done and what you have not done. To be irresponsible is bad enough, to create excuses or to simply shift the blame to somewhere else makes you lesser of a person, failure to take on responsibility in early stages of your life will only help you in your future career as a irresponsible parent and /or as a slacker. Somehow it's not a hard concept to understand.

I remembered how happy I was when people gave me a chance to fill in the position of Chief Editor for the society and I promised myself to contribute whatever I can. This is my committment. Then I was given the duties of webmaster reason being I have a blog and the blog shows my efficiency in web-building, but this is not true, for all web-bloggers you will know what I mean but still I accepted the job, treated it as a challenge and an opportunity to learn something new, it was a challenge back then.

Today I was introduced as Chief Editor and Webmaster of the society, I felt proud with the former being mentioned but somewhat awkward when the latter position was mentioned. I would have felt equally proud if I had been able to carry out my duties, I planned to do up the website during this space of free time but things always don't go the way we plan, do they? I cannot use yahoo page builder due to the advertisements popping out every now and then but that's ok, he said he will teach me how to do up the thing or provide me with frontpage software to solve this issue. After a few failed attempts to reach him, I wrote an email to get him to give me a clear indication with regards to the website issue, I really wanted to know if he is still going to teach me or not, if he is not, then I will want to do the website using yahoo page builder and if that's not allowed I will then not want to assume this responsibility, how can I go around telling people I am also the webmaster when I've not done anything to deserve such title? I am not attributing blame or trying to push someone else to do the job, I am merely stuck in the middle, seeking for clarity. I hate leaving jobs undone, especially when it affects people not just myself.

Responsibility is but a simple word, explained by oxford dictionary as duty resulting from your work or position, it is a liability and it is a duty, people who don't know their responsibilities deserves no respect from anyone, nor are they fit to tell people what to do. Without responsibility, people's commitment to the results of their work will diminish, responsibility builds trust, good relationship between teamplayers and irresponsibility not only cause inconvenience to others but diminish your credibility, to succeed in life is to be accountable for what you have done and what you have not done. To be irresponsible is bad enough, to create excuses or to simply shift the blame to somewhere else makes you lesser of a person, failure to take on responsibility in early stages of your life will only help you in your future career as a irresponsible parent and /or as a slacker. Somehow it's not a hard concept to understand.

I named him Brave-Be. The name should tell you he's brave but it is not that I admire, it is his will to survive, the willingness to learn how to survive and that is something that's worth admiration or commendation. He's my Dad's pet, one of the four lobsters he kept.

I didn't really paid much attention to Brave-Be till one day I found one of his claws ripped and he on the other hand was busy defending or ducking away from Bully, one other lobster among the four which is slightly bigger. At first, Brave-Be lost only one of his bigger claws, few days later he lost all of his remaining hind legs and Bully didn't stop bugging Brave-Be, my first reaction to this was rather instinctual, I wanted to help this poor fella. I placed my hand in to separate Brave-Be from Bully and Brave-Be just ducked away, the same way he ducked away from Bully, so plan A didn't work and I went on to plan B. Plan B was to put Brave-Be at the other side of the tank camouflaged with all the rocks and shells in the tank, but Brave-Be did not stay there for long, the minute I placed it there and was about to take my hand out, it moved away.

And I figured the best way of helping him was perhaps to let him figure things out on his own. So I spent the new few days observing Brave-Be. That little fella was hell of a erm lobster, instead of hiding or retreating, he just sleeps in the open (with no stones, no shells, nothing) and whenever Bully starts poking at him, he tries to fight back and when he can't he just retreats to somewhere where Bully cannot squeeze through because of his sheer size as compared with Brave-Be.

Despite him being small and perhaps a little lost and confused, he never succumbed to Bully, he learned how to survive on his own and with every new thing he does on his own just makes him stronger and more useful, guess nature always has its plan. Every fight he put up against Bully was in fact of much courage and bravery and in my opinion he has done pretty well, even much better than me offering my help. Sometimes the best way for one to survive is to figure how things work in life on their own.

Brave-Be made me realised he's no different from any living creature, he's like one of us too, learning how to survive, facing another day on his own, day by day, night by night. It is of course easy to take the easy way out, to be rescued, to be guided, to be taught but sometimes it is really through the bumpy ride one has to take in his/her life, the moments which one feels scared, lost or confused that really teach one how to go on living, how to, survive. Although Brave-Be didn't really make it (he died) but the story of this little lobster brings clarity and which is why his death's not tragic but hopeful.

To be nobody but yourself,

in a world which is doing its best, night and day,

to make you everybody else,

means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight;

and never stop fighting.



E.E. Cummings

I believe at one time or another each of us was told something, by somebody, somewhere. I had my hair cut recently and my friends who seen me with that either through the photograph or in person just complimented me. It's a bob and I once kept that hairstyle quite some time ago but some friend of mine said it looks ugly and I never went back to being a bobbit (haha ok whatever).

But this time I clearly just want my hair cut to a bob (not because I wanted to look ugly or what), because I desire a change, somehow. I know of a friend who rebonded her hair because everyone said she looked fabulous with straight hair and trust me ever since then she never went back to curly. I then know of a guy who started wearing bermudas because his friends said he looked cute in them instead of the good o jeans and since then he never looked back at jeans, not even one glance.

Then somehow my friend's new boyfriend said he liked girls with natural curls because they look so pretty and she went back to curly, everyone just said she looked great and not dead as before. And then the guy stopped wearing bermudas because he started his first job after graduation and fridays are normally the 'let your hair down' day where you don't need to wear formal office wear just casual jeans with a chic shirt's good enough. His colleagues said he looked so so so charming, yes so so so charming and he just grinned ( and called me and informed me I was right all this while, DUHZ!) and wears jeans more than his berms these days.

I guess everyone at certain point of their lives were told of one thing or another, something they aren't or can't do and they just listen more than what they should or even think about what was said. We might be receiving a million compliments or positive things but somehow it's always the negative things that we hold very dearly to (don't know why). But I personally felt that at some point, we should really ask ourselves if those comments or ideas we have received and are holding on to are indeed true or fits our view perfectly like a missing puzzle.

All that should be based on experience, time, growth and perspective and that's I guess the beauty of growing. It makes you more aware of who you are and what are your thoughts and what makes you happy. Happiness is derived from the ability of being able to decide for yourself and not let social stigma or others' perceptions or opinions affect you. Comments, opinions or perceptions are all subjective and attributed mainly to the environment, experience of one goodself which might be again different from yours.

It's like arts, they are all subjective and nobody, really nobody have a right to decide if a piece of work is really good or not, there shouldn't be a fail for arts, I sometimes doubt how art teachers manage to allocate marks based on their subjectivity (no arts's not objective) and perceptions. I would say the answer to the questions posed with regards to the truthful comments or opinions put acrossed to you by somebody's often a 'no'.

And Winston Churchill ( I cannot remember if it's him, but should be) once said the formula for failure's to try please everyone and since people will comment anyway why don't you just let loose and do whatever you want and whatever that you really think makes you a happier person? This will not only give you freedom but really sense of power because you decide what you want and not someone who is busy keeping up with what people want from you. Really I honestly think so

I'm sorry for the long absence (mugging for exams!!), catch me in a few days time.

It doesn't matter if you cry
Cry if your day's been bad
Cry if you're feeling sad
Cry if you must
It's not your fault that things turn up bad
no, not always even if it is you are entitled to cry
Question is when are you going to stop crying?

P.S. Don't cry to stage a production and soil my poem

I remember crying a few years ago to get people to recognise my pain and suffering. I was in fact suffering from what you called cramps and headache but no one practically paid much attention to me. Because there was another girl suffering from cramps and she was crying (I wasn't crying at that point yet).

Even when the message 'I'm in pain' was registered on my face, no one practically bothered about me, they were all busy attending to the other girl who was crying. It was then I decided I should cry to get some attention and let people know I need medication too and so I cried. The effect? People started running towards me and checking on me, giving me the same, pampered treatment as the other girl who was crying. And yes I was sent to the hospital eventually.

That particular night, I tossed and turned around, feeling angry and perturbed by what I've learnt that very day, cry to seek attention. I then remembered this particular incident, which my mum taught me how not to look at others' actions superficially. It was at the crematorium at Mount Vernon, where my maternal grandmother was cremated. The usual procedure before cremation was for the families to say a little prayer before bidding the person goodbye. The whole family together with some friends walked my grandmother to her final step before the body's swallowed in the ball of raging flame. Almost everyone cried when gran was cremated, but not my mum.

"Mum why didn't you cry?"

"Why should I?"

"Because you are sad and that's why you should cry, are you not sad since you didn't cry?"

"People do cry when they are sad, but not all, some people cry because they have to in order to create an impression, these tears are what we call crocodile tears. Sadness is not only recognized in the tears of those who shed them, sometimes people can be very quiet and not shed a tear and still be sad, or the ones feeling the most terrible inside out"

"Are you sad then mum?" (What a stupid question to ask!)

"Yes I am..."

I took my mum's words seriously and started observing people when they cry. I always asked myself the same old set of questions "Why are these people crying? Is she really sad and that's why she's crying?" and I came to realised the profound knowledge encapsulated in my mum's wise teachings.

People do cry to get attention, people do cry to create an impression that they care when they don't, people cry to show others they are the victims when at times they are not and so much more reasons why people cry.

Generally they fall under 3 categories, those who cry because they are genuinely upset, those who cry because they need to put on a good show and last but not least, those who cry to seek attention (Which one do you belong to? In case you are wondering, I don't basically ask myself those questions anymore, I know now how to differentiate and distinguish. Tears are not the only sign that one's sad or in pain and many failed to see that. I once know of a manipulative girl who used tears as her weapon against guys and her own kind. She basically cry to get things done her way, to make people see things the way she do, to make people think she's the only victim and no one else matters and I really hate her for being so fake but many don't see it my way and some even think I'm jealous of her. Please don't scare the bejesus out of me, I never wanted to be her so why would I be jealous anyway when I've never even once envied her. Rubbish.

Why is it then that only pain and suffering is only recognised in those who shed them? Why do people take things at face value and so superficially then? This is probably something which I'll never understand and not wish to know any o how. But please people, next time open your eyes wider, learn how to distinguish and tell when one's really sad and react appropriately, please do not ignore people just because they are not crying, please do not over react to those who cry and let them manipulate you in one way or the other or even form good impression of those who cry, crocodile tears don't exists for no reason or rhyme. If you choose to ignore my advice, good luck to you, you'll need them, tons of them in fact.

I feel like a child all over again. It's strange and I don't even know why. Suddenly, the beauty of life just fills me inside out, I can feel the surge of excitement and weirdest thing is I haven't the slightest idea why.I don't know why I did it but last night I checked my cupboard to see if there's the scary boogy man. I chuckled and giggled upon finding none not like I'm expecting any though...eew..scary..It's so strange and funny, I'm like travelling on a history roller coaster bringing me back to my younger years where I fear there may be monsters creeping under my bed, hiding in my cupboard and at times I get so afraid I pull my blanket over my head to seek refuge.

Yeap, that's my security blanket that keeps me safe from monsters and boogy man, it seems like as long as I am covered within the perimeters of my blanket, I am generally well protected. Those were the carefree days where you don't basically have to be responsible for all the naughty acts or things you say. I must admit that at times, as much as the process of growing up fulfills one's life with experiences and moments, the stage of being a child is equally fulfilling, in that you basically enjoy the best moments of your life being a child and staying one.

Why do I say that? Haven't you tried retaining a part of yourself that seems so innocent, so real, so pure? Haven't you seen how much people like children because they are truthful and not deceitful, how much trust people place on children on the things they say because children don't lie, they are genuine and expresses their likes and dislikes most openly without engaging in politics. This is something we forget as we grow older, things that make perfect sense to us as a kid no longer make sense as we grow up, we find ourselves being deceitful, passive and aggressive (i.e. loaning notes to people whom we don't like but find it hard to reject), we tend not to show our true emotions and likes and dislikes.

I try so hard at times to hold myself back where I started but at times it's just so difficult. There are times where I've been so fake and do stuff which upsets me terribly as I reflect. There are times where I find myself trap in a situation where I cannot afford to be truthful and that makes me sad at times. Inquisitive is a child's natural gift, asking all the whys about the world or things which he/she never understand is what that makes them never taking things for granted, boastful for there is a lot more to life that they can never learn all about, that is what I understood as a child. I fought so hard to bring back my inquisitive mind I had back then as a child, the free spirit who never fails to ask questions to understand and I'm glad I brought it back. Adults don't ask questions as much as they used to when they were kids, they seemed to know the answer to everything and take almost anything that happen as of right that they should happen and it's not ever surprising why certain things happen, sometimes adults don't ask questions because they fear being ridiculed by their own peers but if you don't ask, you'll never win or walk out of the rat race. Bear this in mind that no question is ever stupid so long as you asked it because you are seeking for an answer to your troubled mind. It is thus important to know why sometimes, you don't just rote whatever you are supposed to learn and don't understand the true mechanics behind what you are learning, or do you? There are just so many reasons why I like being a child, but I shall not dwell on it here, you'll probably unravel the mystery one fine day yourself or when you get to read my official piece of work, that is if you too think the same way as I do.

What has flown away will never return
For it has sought a greener pasture
For it has seen the new ray of light
For it no longer needs your company

What is it then one cannot understand
that one have to cling on to his/her own beliefs
thinking what has flown away will return
when in the first place one gave it up?

To not see the beauty of what lies within your grasp
is nobody's fault but your loss
For it has always been there by your side
until it decided to bid goodbye

To not treasure what you have and pursue something else
is nothing but a foolish act
for when you turn around it slips away..

I've been thinking alot about death recently, ever since I got here. I fear death, honestly. It's not just about me feeling the pain when I go, but the people I leave behind if I should go one fine day. People like my parents who matter a great deal to me and my very close friends, which are few. I am perfectly conscious that any moment may be my last thats why I chase life doubly hard. I make moments count because everyday could be the last opportunity for us to say something, do something.

That is why I always make sure I say everything that's on my mind from telling my parents I love them to telling my friends how much I treasure and appreciate them. I don't waste my time by feeling bitter about past events that hurt me in a way or another, neither do I waste time being petty with trivial matters, I don't basically live in the past but future. I live for the future. I try making every moment meaningful, real. I try entertaining people who I care so as to make them happy. I try not to spend time pondering and wondering the 'if' situations or hoping I can somehow turn back time (although @ times I really hope I could).No, not that the thought of me dropping dead bugs me 24/7, it's not that. I am just being aware of what might happen and being conscious of it leads me to living a more meaningful life. Because sometimes you don't always get a second chance to say things you want to say, do things you want to do, be somebody you want to be. As much as dying is part of of life, so is living and living is really all about being satisfied with what you have done, not what you could have done.

It's not uncommon that I come across as aloof, arrogant, proud, unapproachable, immature, childish. I get these half the time from people who are:a) who are different from me hence the reason why they misunderstand what I am like b) judge me by my appearance & voila ici they know everything about me and basically full stop. c) don't really get the chance to know me as a person and/or know me via rumours (Half of them originate from girls, don't ask me why, this is the girl thing that guys can never understand, this is an inherent find fault factor that exists in girls) d) people who judge me almost so quickly before I can even finish saying "Hi, my name is ..."

I dislike type B & D the most. As much as they like to stereotype me as some bimbo or some brainless cute chic chick (the want you for the day but not for life) etc etc, I label them as shallow ones. You find that I hardly rebutt or refute these claims about me, the reason for not doing that is these people don't matter so why bother? Besides who I really am must have been of no importance that they can conclude so quickly what makes you think by elaborating or illustrating the murky water will turn clear? In any case, it's difficult to refute those stereotyped description of me. I used to practice the concept of 'ignore these people, time will show" But growing up changed my perspective totally, especially in political settings like office, school etc. I realised I cannot wait for time to show who I really am, as much as I like to I can't. And I am preaching it to everyone reading this entry.

When you work, you tend to get yourself tangle in a web of deceit spun by the political spider/s, when you find yourself being misunderstood, don't just sit there quietly hoping that things will turn for the better, for all you know you might be asked to leave the following day. I am not asking you to spin the same web plus more boos boos and traps, no I am not asking you to do that, how different are you from those vicious spiders then? All I am asking is for you to clarify and not sit at your desk subject yourself to such attacks, don't think about 101 things you may have done wrong to trigger this whole event, sometimes spiders don't spin web for a reason. Same goes for school, else you may find yourself the ostracized oddball subject to relentless vicious attacks. 'Sure, it's easy for you to say...' hello dear guy/gal, it's not like I am asking you to attain immortality, this is mission possible not impossible. What does it take to speak out for yourself? Isn't reputation more important than anything else? Isn't your good name worth something? All it takes is guts and guts can be acquired, when you start speaking out for yourself, demanding what's right for yourself, it should be smooth as driving a ferrari from then on baby. Take the first step, go on try it, I promise it will be fulfilling and enriching

I was sitting on the latch yesterday. Yes, again, it has now become my little den where I reflect deeply or place where I sit and consolidate all my random thoughts. But then again, sometimes I just sit there to stare back at the sky the way it was looking at me.

I thought about Isabel last night, her friendship. Her friendship is priceless and I'm so glad that I've met her. We have shared so many precious moments together, be it happy, sad, angry, worried and so on and so forth. It's not the duration that makes me treasure this friendship, it's the effort we both contributed to this friendship that makes this friendship something different from the others. She is the one friend who takes precedence over all others. (sorry not that you guys don't matter!) She is someone whom I really like to grow old to be little old ladies together with, the one whom I would reiterate those 'remember back then' moments together and put on silly big hats and get away for behaving badly in public with when we are both old. We have been through so much together, been there for one another, took turns to role-play aunty agony for one another, encouraged and motivated one another.

Sometimes it's strange to note how much she believed in me because apart from my parents there's no one else that truly believe in me at times. Not that I am not credible but it's just dreams which people chided me for having them (a portion of these people have issues which they cannot resolve within themselves and they actually chided me for having dreams which they dare not even think of, let alone take steps to achieving them). Honesty, is something I admire about our friendship. We never allow each other to wear an ugly top or dress out, if a skirt looks ugly on her, I will just say it's ugly and nothing more nothing less.

That's something you don't often find in friendships between girls. It's controversial I know but you would know what I mean if you were to look at the old pictures of you in those fashion that has gone terribly wrong dresses or tops, and you might remembered the real culprit who induced you in getting them. Get it? We are not only honest with each other in that aspect, we are sometimes terribly honest with each other as to how we feel about certain actions each has done.

We are simply not afraid to say "I'm not very happy with what you have done.." or "I am angry.." kind of stuff. Thankfully, we don't end up having cat fights, we merely discuss, get over the issues and move on. We are the true friends who change and grow with each other and learn through each other's experience, be it bad or good. We are the best friends who can share the most insignificant and best parts of our life (esp me, always repeating myself, telling the same old stories and somehow she's never sick of them or rather listening to me hehe, I'm so blessed!) with the same degree of joy, laughter and openess. We practice nothing negative like jealousy but admiration and envy.

We are the lifesavers that last for lifetime for one another and yes, I mean no expiry dates whatsoever. I was once afraid to define her as my bestest friend for fear that the magic may disappear or that she'll be taken away from me somehow (I don't know how, don't ask me) and I really don't want that to happen. But now, I have no qualms about defining her as my bestest friend. Isabel's indeed my bestest friend and our friendship will continue to grow (grow grow grow! Grow ok?) and evolve as we evolve!

Life is as good as it gets

Living in moments makes one happierNot in the sense that one should pick the best moments and live in the past but every little thing can be moments that can make you happy every now and thenI feel happy just by having a meal with my parentsI feel happy and content just by being hereI feel content and at peace when I make a good cup of teaI feel delirious when a friend tells me how much I meant T

hese are little moments in life which I chose to define as perfectI know I am one oddball, who seems to think life's a bed of roses I am what you call the optimistic type I am the carefree one But these ain't no crimeI chose to make my life a perfect one by cherishing every little thing that matters Every little insignificant thing in life is something to me subjectively I can never seem to convince anyone to accept my theory And I ain't going to try no more Life is always full of difficult situations We always have a choice, to see it in a better way...

I enjoy flailing myself mercilessly all around my room to the music. I feel beautiful, I feel happy, I feel wonderful. Today I'm flailing myself to Whitney Housten's I'm every woman & MJ's You rock my world. I love MJ alot, his songs never failed to get me moving. And that's good. Everytime when I feel bad or upset, I'll give songs like these a go at my hi-fi and swirl 360 degrees left and right then flail my body all around my room (I once knocked myself against the wall while doing that). I feel almost perfect when I'm doing all these movements and I am saying almost perfect not perfect. It doesn't matter if my movements are co-ordinated or not, I am not particular about all these not because I lack passion for dance or music but I don't like feeling restricted or constrained.

I enjoy freedom of movements and I usually don't give a damn if I am graceful or not, I am just into enjoying myself thoroughly if I may add. In fact, movements like these should come au naturel so as to benefit from the experience. Every session to me is a new different experience, I derive different pleasures time to time.Sometimes I club just to move my body, when I recommended this method of enjoying oneself mentally and physically to my friend, she said this "Yeah, you enjoy them because you are small and people love watching you when you do that, you have a nice frame.." That is of course not true, anyone who knows me would know I have an imperfect body. I am short and equipped with two flabby arms, some scars here and there, a tummy and I still dance. Anyone can dance to the music, it doesn't really matter how you look or how you move, anyone that laughs at you ignore them, for they lack substance and ain't worth any attention.

"I'm every woman, it's all in me...."

Je ne sais quoi. I'm sitting on the latch now, my room's all dark and cold. Today I don't get the privilege of falling asleep before the heater's off because I am kept awake, yes kept awake by thoughts. Lovely thoughts of how treasured I am, how loved I am and much much more. I am marvelled how most of the people I've met actually saves a place for me in their hearts when I am so ordinary and plain. I am content just by this very fact. These are the small little things in life, which I am glad for.

Why people write? I write to empower, entertain and let people have a good laugh. I write because I wish that people derive some pleasure in reading my writing bits. I write because I want to share. But what about the other writers out there? Do they..a) write for profitb) write to become famousc) write to influence people & provide pleasureIf the writers out there fall into any of category A or B, they ain't writers. They don't have the soul for writing. But ironically, most of them gets famous and earn big bucks.

Maybe if category A writers contribute part of their royalties back to the society, they aren't such bad writers afterall, they might just have a soul. Maybe if category B writers gets famous and influence people in the positive way and empower people, they are nice people afterall. But will most of them do that? I am not saying writers should not write for a living, but at the end of the day, it's not just about earning, it's about giving back to the society of what that has been given to you, your gift to write may be god-given or acquired as time passes, I am almost certain that anyone that makes the slightest effort to write consistently can be eventually a writer, but just what kind of writer are you? Where will you stand after publishing 30 best-selling novels or what have you?

There's a lot of things I've been trying and experimenting of late and I really liked that. From whipping up some weird looking dishes (And yes, they are damn edible!), napping, yoga lessons, grocery shopping. And the one thing I've been doing more than any of the listed is writing. And this is something which I am awfully glad that I am doing. Mum always thought that I had talent in writing, for some strange reasons unexplained. In short, I doubted her as well as my abilities. I used to write really well but I've grown lazy over the past several years.

Then the laziness developed into fear which became a sore spot for me and I started doubting in every darn thing that I wrote and I started branching into doing some other creative stuff like painting, still arts. Then came the unanimous comment from both my mum and my art teacher, mum says I can't paint or draw, art teacher says my still paintings / drawings look as though they fly and no one can understand what I was painting or drawing. My pig looks like a cow, my dolphin looks like some shark. Everytime I draw something I have to explain to people what they are, then I started growing tired of describing my wonderful creations because I finally understood why nobody understands my drawings.

They have all grown rusty and used to taking things for granted, used to making assumptions and hence before they even pay attention to the details I've added in my master pieces they assumed it's one of the other. Oh well...the last piece of art I've ever done was at the age of fourteen and fifteen was the age when I decided to give up arts. Age seventeen was a good age for me, creativity in writing was re-ignited, I composed a few poems during some boring lectures on computers and gadgets and some short stories during my breaks. The only thing that I have been doing more than any other stuff was creating. Creating my own written works, in which I allowed no one to criticise nor improvise. Not that I am receptive towards opinions or suggestions but I felt that as a writer or creator, you should be the only one deciding what should be in and thrown out of the windows. To allow others to influence your style of writing is to let others manipulate your work. Where then is creativity? Age twenty is the best time of my life, for now, I've been encouraged by my mum, my close friends to write and I started writing. I am currently in the midst of production of a story which I hope it will one day not just be a story, but a book, a book dedicated to my Dad, his life, his story.

At age twenty, I feel more reassured of my own natural abilities, ask me for some ideas on how a particular essay should be written, I'll have it. It just takes me 5 minutes to generate an opening paragraph and tell me how good am I? I think growing is the best part of one's life. I can feel the change in me, ideas having form of its own, ideas becoming words. My mum's words still rings in my ears every now and then and I truly believe I too, one day can become a successful writer. It just takes a little more time to catch up with what I've been missing for the several odd years and it doesn't matter when I get there, what matters is the process of getting there.

Research has proven that one third of our lives are spent on sleeping, the second instalment spent feeling like it would be nice to go back to bed. The last and final instalment is spent hoping/ wishing it will soon be bedtime! Yay! Now don't cheat yourselves, how many times have you wished school starts at late noon and daydream about the catnaps or noon naps while attending classes? OOPS! Waking early has become such a major problem for me of late that I have to spent some noons napping away to recover from the trauma of waking early.

Sometimes I feel so tired that I felt I have conveniently left my brain under the pillow as I pick myself up for school. I don't know if anybody actually feel exhausted at times just by waking early or is it just me but sometimes I feel so lazy that I just want to sleep in and not attend lectures. But thankfully, my conscience won't let me. So I am safe for now. haha yes for now is the word. When one is really tired, the mere thought of moving any part of your body becomes exhausting when of course, in reality doing something is less tiring than thinking about doing something. Get it? No? Oh give it some thoughts and you'll get what I mean.

My friend was telling me what an insomniac charmer he is and I patronized him by nodding my head vigorously but back at my head I was thinking if there's such thing known as insomniac charmer. How can this be possible? How can anyone be an insomniac charmer when one gets more and more tired and the things that one can talk about are probably absolute rubbish. When you get tired, you can't say anything charming, then you can't say anything interesting, then nothing is amusing and/or intelligible or mentally stimulating and finally nothing at all, because your eyeballs may just pop out if you attempt moving your mouth another inch.

There is this phrase that I've read somewhere that says "Early to bed, Early to rise, makes you healthy, wealthy and wise" and this other phrase by some writer that says the exact opposite (which I thought was real funny) "Late to bed, Late to rise, makes you unhealthy, poor and stupid" Haha There are times where you slip yourself into a nasty condition where sleeping becomes an issue for you as you can't sleep because you are so darn tired that sleeping is no longer possible! Solution: Bang your head against the wall, haha nah I am kidding, this will probably send you off your way much much earlier or to the A&E department of the hospital. So don't try it. And I mean it, don't try it. Oh why don't anyone listen nowadays? Everyone just loves practicing selective listening huh? Well your life, what can I say or do about it? Ok as I was saying you get into a nasty condition where you get too tired to sleep and the whole business of falling asleep is too much of effort and you just suffer.

Sometimes people can have 8 or 10 hours of sleep and still feel tired when they wake and they will then spend the next few minutes either cat-napping or feeling how nice it would be to go back to bed again, but don't get cheated, I mean seriously research has shown that 6 hours of sleep per day for a grown adult (Please don't get me to define what I mean by grown adults, ask the researchers) is grossly sufficient and 8 to 10 hours of sleep is therefore more than enough (or is it?) Sometimes I feel having a nap is like a tiredness enhancer that sends you fleeting moments of pleasure for napping but wake up 2 or 3 hours later with a cramp, dry mouth (not to mention stinky breath), wobbly legs, puffy eyes sitting in the lecture theatre wondering if you are dead!
(Resources for this material came from G Browning's Article)

Moments of Life

Haven't been blogging for awhile since I've reached Manchester, been really lazy. Yeah lazy and no other cheap excuses. I felt an urge to blog today when I got out of bed and had this inspiration to write on this particular topic which I would like to name it Moments of Life. Moments of life, be it happy, painful, sad, hard moments, they are temporary and not eternal. No, moments don't enjoy what we call longevity.

Sometimes we just like to embrace the happier moments and chase the painful ones away. But hey, you know what? You can feel happy forever by choosing moments that mean something to you. It's not a difficult concept, pain is inevitable but not suffering. It's always a matter of choice. I am not a preacher or what have you, but life's all about being practical. Although at times, I daydream and hallucinate (ooh scary) and let my imagination go riot, I am still a very pragmatic person. It's like the classic cliche modified by my good old self (which I have fallen hopelessly in love with) that goes if you don't like something, change it, if you can't change it, change the way you think about it and make things happen for you. This is the benefit of being intellectual. You identify problems that's affecting your life, get to it, take charge and solve it. Easier said then done? Well sometimes this invites heart ache, heart-wrenching moments but again they are like moments, temporary and will, i mean WILL go away. So you decide what you want to remember for the rest of your life and hopefully, you can choose the best ones to remember and be happy!

Walk me Home

I've been walking home alot of late, either from Isa's place or from my old place, not because I have to, but because I like to, I choose to. I like having the 'alone time' you get when you are walking by yourself, stealing moments and spending them all by yourself. It's just me, walking past a park, lively shopping malls and few blocks of neighbourhood. Walking. Thinking. I think alot while I walk. I go over the details of my current affairs as I walk.

Sometimes I sing as I walk, rather loud at times but the traffic drowns me out. I would sometimes laugh aloud to myself when that happens, a few strangers that walk past me find me weird and perhaps alittle insance. I am of course, without doubt perfectly sane. I walk to resolve problems by thinking them over. Contemplating all the silly thoughts, shallow thoughts, the things I wish would work, but I know won't. With those out of the way, the answers are clear. No room for stray "if only" thoughts to creep in and mess my life. Today I was walking home reflecting on how different things are now and then and on the whole, I thought things have been rather good.

Things may be good because they aren't different, things may be good because they are different. Sometimes I wished things would stay the same, not that I am receptive to changes but because I enjoy embracing those moments or rather appreciate the way things are and at times it's due to sentimental reasons. On the other hand, I welcome changes not solely by the virtue I've grown sick and tired of the old stuff but because change improves one's life. The world's always revolving, things always change, people change too, at the end of the day it doesn't matter when, how and why, what matters is keeping hold of who you really are that makes for the one constant in life.

Love for a friend of mine

Isa gotten herself a male puppy, chihuahua breed and named it Bachiku! What a queer name one may wonder but it's her sister's dream of naming a dog bachiku one day when she starts keeping one and voila! According to Isa, Bachiku's damn adorable and well I'll have to judge it for myself when I see it. Oh it should be him! lolz I love dogs, have always loved them and will always love them. I kept a few back then and the one I dotted the most on was Charlie. He was not of any breed / cross breed and so on and so forth, he was just a little brown stray puppy that Dad brought home to accompany me for a few days and that few days became months and a few years or so before Dad gave him away as Charlie was growing much too big and noisy for my flat back then. I've missed Charlie terribly...yes till now....Somehow a part of me died when Charlie left. Somehow I'm not all that complete, one may wonder how can this be possible?

How can anyone feel that sad for a pet? Well to me he is more than a pet, he is a very dear friend of mine whom I've spent my happiest & saddest moments with and we have been company for each other, I've seen him grown from a puppy to a young doggy and I've showered him with my love and affections, all of which are priceless. My parents never understood how much he meant to me, to them, the adults, he is just 'it', he is just a pet. Later on, as I grow older, I tried explaining to my mother how much Charlie meant to me before and now and it was only then she was convinced that I in fact love Charlie. All these years, I've spent some quiet moments thinking about him, I would sit and wonder and ponder thoughts like if he's still alive, if he's happy and if he's been treated decently and so on and so forth but I know I'll never get the answers. I can only hope and wish it's well and healthy. I can't help feeling sad and guilty for I failed to protect my friend ("the pet"), failed to keep him with me, failed to honour my promises to him, I hope he still remembers and loves me for I have reserve a special place at the back of my head for him and I still love him. I do.

A mind of its own

A mind of its own
needs no influence
needs no comments

A mind of its own
has strength others can't see
has courage others fear

How many in the world
dares to define themselves
dares to say No?

A mind of its own
In its unique way,
oddly if I may add
impresses all by defining itself